Saturday, April 30, 2011

Billy Left Home Again Part 2

12-15-99 c.

If I could only make up
       All the time that was wasted
       Perhaps I’d not have been seen so blind
       Maybe I'd seen the tears that you’ve tasted

       When I lay down to dream
       You’re still my chubby 3 year old
       I guess I thought we had forever
       Before we both became this old

       You’re too big now to sit on my lap
       And much too busy to lie down for a nap
       Your voice so deep and you so tall
       As if you were never a child at all

       If for just one day I could turn back time
       To make up for a young mother’s folly
       I’d change the world you had to survive
       And see your careworn face turn jolly

       We get but one chance my only son
       To remember the love we each have to give
       You’ll understand for my forgetting sometimes
       I’ll be there for you now … to help you forgive

Friday, April 29, 2011

Billy Left Home Again Part 1

Well, I guess I’m the only one who’s got drama and heartache in their life. My son Billy left Wednesday evening after stealing my pain pills for the third time even though through tears I begged him not to go. I awoke that morning to find my morning dose missing from my table and my extra pill missing from my drawer. I immediately saw red. I called Eric and told him. After careful examination Eric found that Bill had tried to cover up his crime by shaving my klonopin flat to look more like my pain pills and adding a few reglan cut up for good measure.
              I had a dental appointment I just HAD to get to and really didn’t have time for this crap AGAIN. I could feel my anxiety start to tighten around my chest. I needed to get up do my bowel routine and get myself and my things ready for the dentist and the hour long drive to Pittsburgh to get there. Eric admitted to me to me that he had given Bill some xanax the night before because Bill snowed him like a pro by telling him he could buy it at the methadone clinic and he didn’t want to use Eric’s money in such a way. I mean seriously, what kind of bullshit was I listening to?

Somehow, I stoically it made through the day even though we were forced to bring Bill along because we couldn’t trust him in our home alone. All he did was sleep, complain about the heat and whine that he was hungry when he awake. I receieved                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     go
bad news from dentist as well. She would be unable to help me until I see an endodontist who probably wouldn’t take my insurance anyway and if I were lucky enough to find one who did, by the time I got the extensive work finished I  seriously need and come back to her, she probably won’t be accepting my insurance anymore anyway. By the way, she apologized to me but explained that these types of insurances just didn’t pay her enough and she needed to the pay the bills just like everyone else. I told her I could certainly sympathize with her as I replaced the photo album of her latest trip to Italy on the table in waiting room, huge tears welling up in my meticulously made up eyes Kristi Belle had spent so much time getting just the way I it.
                       ( Much more to come)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Group Therapy Online?

       Yesterday I asked if any of my readers had any questions about me, my blog, or comments about themselves and their lives. I haven’t gotten a response. Well, I came up with two possible reasons why: first, my followers aren’t actually reading my blog and I’m writing for no one, no reason, no mission and in vain and/or secondly, you have no questions due to my super human ability to weave and twist the English language into a magical, super descriptive, ultra entertaining, highly educational tool that leaves absolutely no stone unturned, no angle unexplored, no door unopened and therefore no need to be debated or questioned in anyway.
       Since we all know that although I have my moments when I actually do write like a “real writer”, I am mostly mediocre. So I thought I would try and cleverly reword my post to see if I could get at least SOME of you to leave a comment or post a question to perhaps get a new topic to discuss. If you, my friends, are satisfied with my blog and the way it is set up that’s fine, if you have suggestions, questions, or accolades please write them in the comment space.
       One last thing, if you’d like to share an experience that relates to this subject please use the comment space provided or email it to me and I will share it with our friends and give you my take on the problem, situation, experience or question. Thank you everyone for allowing me this experimental group therapy type situation. I firmly believe it would be a powerful way to share, learn, grow, and form friendships.

Please Leave Me Your Questions

       I would really like to hear from my followers today. So if you would, please leave a comment with the question you would most like me to answer about myself and/or problem, issue or comment about yourself. I believe it would be educational, entertaining, humbling, enlightening and beneficial in so many ways.
       Thank you, friends and good night.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


          I don’t think it would matter what I did, what I said, what I wrote, what kind of mood I was in, how much attention I showered, how much privacy I gave, what I looked like, whether or not I was clean or if I NEVER ever again made a mistake, Eric would STILL find a reason to fight with me. And God forbid if I try to talk him about it to him about it, then comes the emotional threats such as “Well, I guess if that’s the way you feel then I’ll REALLY start acting that way.”
          We’ve always had a somewhat unhealthy relationship because I was always an alcohol and/or addict and he was definitely at least somewhat codependent. Because every time he told if I left home this time to go drinking don’t come home because he wouldn’t let me in. but he ALWAYS let me in. Even though I KNEW I was in for a lecture and a dressing down, l couldn’t keep myself from repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
             I suppose after every thing we’ve been through there’s bound to be a smidgen of dysfunction in our relationship. Although I must say when looking for “normal” family values and interactions and a real partnership of a marriage that also contains unconditional love, I only have to look at Eric’s family and Dad and Mom.
          Week 37 with no cuddling or loving and I’m really getting lonely. Although mom and dad did come by and bring us Easter dinner. I was quite upset to learn that they knew every little detail about my son’s Billy’s struggle with drugs and his arrest record. Apparently, one of his teachers at triangle tech is friends with Eric’s dad and was Bill’s instructors at the tech school. I guess the he was talking about a student that was court ordered to attend classes which was not the norm for him. I just didn’t want mom and dad to have any preconceived opinions about Billy before they had the chance to meet him for themselves.
I’ll will talk to you all tomorrow, goodnight.  

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Mission and More The End

       Another thing I would change I if would have had the strength and presence of mind would have been to pay more attention to Eric’s needs. I sincerely wish with all my heart that I could have for seen what my neediness, impatience and self centeredness was doing to our relationship and to Eric himself. If only I could have opened my eyes to his depression and grief it may have saved me all that heartache of him turning to other women for solace. Of course I was fresh out the hospital and probably still in shock, deep depression and a high state of anxiety that I could not explain to anyone except another victim of SCI. But who knows he still may have had the affairs anyway, it seems like I can do nothing to please him at this point in time. I believe we might have been able to recover from the first 6 months with no help IF I‘d have done all things I talked about earlier in my post. But who knows; only God and he quit talking to me! (or I stopped listening).
But for all my newly injured friends I beseech you, read the first few chapters of my blog again and then reread this part “My Mission and More” and consider my words VERY carefully,  please. It just may save you from going to nursing home, losing the love of your life or living in a situation such as mine. I don’t want this for you my dear friend as I’m certain you don’t want it for yourself. Never lose hope; things CAN be worse even though it doesn’t seem like it now. I’m here for you so you have at least have one friend who’s been through it all. Never be afraid to email me or IM me on yahoo. You’ll find all my information on face book. Hang in there and remember you are a warrior, a survivor and a superstar!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Mission Part 3

        At least that’s one of the reason’s Eric gave when it had been 4 ½ years since he touched me and I simply demanded an answer. Unlike some of his blatant excuses this one made some sense. When your lover cleans feces out of your privates enough times I suppose you wouldn’t be very sexy to them anymore. I could cry enough tears to make a river for what we’ve lost. So PLEASE don’t make the same mistakes I did; I implore you take my advice and heed my warnings unless you like pain and becoming paralyzed wasn’t enough of a blow to your self image, worth, esteem and confidence. We’re coming up on 18 years together as a couple and we don’t even cuddle anymore. My heart is so shattered, burned and blackened, I don’t know how I feel most days. On one hand I think I should get over it and on with my life but when I ask Eric if he wants me to get a boyfriend, he always says no, but I’m sooo lonely and NOT getting any younger. Every single Sunday for the last 36 weeks I’ve asked him to snuggle with me. But something always gets in the way, so that’s how long it’s been since he’s made love to me exactly 4 times in 6 years.
        Now lately I’ve had my attendants taking over some of my bowel program like inserting the suppositories and other personal hygiene like giving me my showers and shaving me. They are also taking care of my menstrual cycle during shift hours. Unfortunately, there are still times when Eric must change my tampon or pad which upsets me greatly. But at least he is allowing more responsibility to my girls. He’s pretty much forced too now because of his health. So far it hasn’t made a difference maybe as he gets more rest and time to himself … I’ll let you know all about this as I always do.
(to be continued)

My Mission Part 2

       At any rate,, I never thought my best friend in this world at that time would have stopped the man I considered to be my husband in the very next room to where the contractors were building me a shower, get on her knees, unzip his pants and suck his penis with the workers only feet away and me still recovering from my 6 week hospital stay in the adjacent room.
       Another thing I would have definitely changed would be all personal care would have been done by a caregiver NOT by my fiancĂ©e. Now for Eric and me our hands were pretty much tied on this issue when I first arrived home because there was no other caregiver. Only Eric, he had to do everything including work nights to try and bring some money into the household. Even though upon leaving rehab we were told that all our help and services were in place this was not the case. So two very bad habits came out of this bureaucratic blunder. One was I got spoiled by Eric’s perfectionist’s care and he didn’t trust anyone to care for me as good as he did. So the circle went round and round until he had done and seen so much, too much to look at me as a lover anymore. Very sad indeed.
(to be continued)   

Monday, April 18, 2011

Mission Statement and More... Part 1

       Every so often I like to remind my readers why I take the time to write this blog; my mission statement if you will. It’s partly for myself because writing my story is very cathartic but it’s also for the newly injured especially, the long timers, and the caregivers who have a tremendously hard job to do. Particularly family members and spouses who are emotionally involved with the SCI (spinal cord injured) individual they are caring for. Lots of changes happen in the relationship or family dynamic when they are closely involved with care, a lot of it not very good. I would also like to include a little of these changes and things I might have done differently given a second chance in this post as well.
      My mission is to help the newly injured SCI victim regain their sense of self esteem, worth, image and confidence. To help them realize that they are still beautiful, athletic, intelligent, artistic, sexy, WHOLE human beings and everything they were before they were injured they still are. And there is NOTHING that they can’t aspire to be or do simply because of their SCI. YES, they may have to do things differently but nothing should stop them from trying. I tell them that we are NOT cripples, we are SUPERSTARS and we do NOT sit in wheelchairs, we ride in CHARIOTS!!!
      For the first two years of my newly injured life if I was in public my head was down and eyes cast to the floor. I had tried while in rehab fitting into regular society on one of our field trips. I tried making eye contact with people with them only looking away, I noticed how when I smiled at small child their mother would shoo them away to take a wide berth around me and my colleagues out to get pizza for the day and I overheard the snickering of young men cruising the streets looking at the pretty girls and if had been only weeks before I would have been one of those girls. If only I could throw something at the cars. But I couldn’t even do that. So this is how they treat you when you’re in a wheelchair, huh? I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t leave myself open for that kind of rejection again. But happily along came what was called my “peer counselor” a man I had absolutely nothing in common with who’s job was to integrate me back into the community. Well, good luck to you, Sir. But as time went by and I got to know Don, he was not just a man with cerebral palsy who was almost 20 years my senior, but a great friend who I could turn to with ANY problem, a friend who was right there when I needed him and a friend who put aside his own needs to take me wherever I wanted to go once a week for four hours every week. And I learned how to be a disabled woman in the real world, how to draw people in with my smile and personality, how to hold my head up high, not to sweat the small stuff and stand up for myself when my rights were  being violated.
      But I still never made any friends except with my attendants and caregivers here at home. That’s the first thing I’d change if I could back knowing now what I didn’t know or didn’t want to see then.
(to be continued) 
                        Janice and me I loved her like a sister as it turns out she was a whore with Eric and he let her do it.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

My Tailbone Problem

        Normally I wouldn’t address a question put forth by an anonymous commenter but I’ve decided that just because some folks would rather post privately doesn’t always mean they are reading my blog because they have a sick twisted fetish. At least I’m hoping none of my followers fall into this category but unfortunately some most likely do.
I’ve had to learn a lot of new things since my accident, breaking my neck, and becoming paralyzed from the chest down. But I never thought for the life me that there were men out there who got off on my and other women’s disabilities. I realize it’s sick and twisted world in which we survive but this was truly over the top for me. And I would consider myself extremely worldly having seen and done it all at least once. However, this kind of creepy hang-up sends waves of disgust through me and makes me want to vomit into my mouth.
Anywho, to answer anonymous’ question about my tailbone “callous”. While I was hospitalized the last time, I was left with a bedsore so deep on my tailbone it was nearly down to the bone. After months of Eric’s tender loving care the sore finally healed but never completely. I was left with a small hard lump right on top of my coccyx that looks and feels like a tiny callous. We believe it’s my body’s way of protecting itself because every time we finally get rid of the hard build up of skin it develops again. Does that sufficiently answer your question anonymous?  If  anyone has any question about any posts please email me, thank you friends and goodnight.  

Vitamins, Herbs, and Supplements The End

·       Milk thistle – 1000mgs
1.  Protects and heals the liver
2.  Lowers cholesterol
3.   Reduces number of cancer cells in patients with breast, cervical and prostate cancer.
4.   Used by many withdrawing from opiates

·       Echinacea – 400mg
1.  Stimulates the body’s immune system
2.   Wards off a cold and shortens duration
3.   Sometimes used as a laxative

·       Ginger root –
1.   Great for nausea and gas
2.   Thins blood and lowers cholesterol so good for the heart
3.  Even helps anxiety

·       Red clover blossom - 430mg – definitely a lady’s herb gentlemen!
1.  Contains isoflavones that act like estrogen in the body
2.   Helps symptoms of menopause
3.   Helps problems with irregular periods
4.   Balances acid/alkaline in the vagina

·       Soy isoflavones – 750mgs
1.   Phytoestrogen so helps with PMS, menstrual problems and menopause
2.   Lowers cholesterol
3.   Reduces risk of cancer
4.   Reduces risk of diabetes

·        Goldenseal – 500mgs - I would normally take my goldenseal and Echinacea in one herbal blend which I will order and let you know the mgs of each herb.
1.   Antibiotic
2.   Used for gastritis, colitis, and loss of appetite
3.   Used for duodenal ulcer
4.   Used for liver disease
5.   Astringent, anti-inflammatory and antiseptic
6.   Aids digestion, stimulates bile production, used as laxative
7.    And it Stimulates muscles!

·       Cascara sagrada – 450mg – part of my bowel program
1.  A strong herbal laxative

·       Multi-enzymes – pancreatin – 100mg, amalase – 50mg, protease – 50mg, bromelain – 25mg, papain -  25mg, pepsin – 25mg, ox bile – 15mg, lipase – 10mg, cellulose – 5mg

2.  Enzymes break down what we eat and help with digestion.
3.  Each enzyme breaks down a different type of food.
4.   Helps with indigestion,  nausea and bloating

·       Vitamin E – 400IU  I’d like to apologize for forgetting  to add this to the vitamin section but here it is
1.  Promotes heart health
2.  Respiratory health
3.   Supports brain health
4.  Circulatory benefits
5.  Helps peripheral neuropathy
6.   Excellent antioxidant

Believe it or not I take all of these vitamins, herbs, and supplements everyday and I haven’t had a cold or UTI in 2 years. My hair and fingernails grow so fast I need a manicure every week and haircut every month. After my two back to back summers in the hospital in 2007 and 2008, I haven’t been sick. I eat a high protein, high fiber, low fat, low sugar, diet MOST of the time. However, I still allow myself a treat sometimes like a few pieces of good chocolates, a scoop or two of really good ice cream, or a slice of cheesecake.
I realize it seems like a lot of pills but if you split them up and take some 3 times a day it’s not so bad. And some of the herbs are taken AS NEEDED so you may find you’re only taking those every couple of days. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to email me.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Vitamins, Herbs, and Supplements Part 3

Herbs & Supplements
          I have been taking herbs and supplements for at least ten years and have done extensive research into the study thereof. I would certainly consider myself a self-trained herbalist. I would rather use a natural remedy then some manmade chemicals with lots of side effects if at all possible. Here are the herbs I take every day and their benefits to the human body.
·       Fennel seed – 480mg
1.    breaks down into a phytoestrogen so it’s good for PMS, menopause and breast health
2.   good for dispelling stomach gas, reduces bloating caused by stomach disorders
3.   effective diuretic (water pill) therefore may be an effective blood pressure pill

·       L-Tyrosine – 500mg an amino acid – building blocks of protein – there are essential (ones you must get through your food) and non-essential (ones your body makes on its own) L-tyrosine is non-essential

1.    Stimulates metabolism
2.  Acts as a mood elevator
3.   Suppresses the appetite
4.   Helps to reduce body fat
5.  Has been used to help chronic fatigue, depression, narcolepsy, low sex drive, anxiety, allergies and headaches WOW!
AND THAT’S JUST ONE AMINO,I suggest a multi-amino acid formula for anyone who wants ultimate health.

·       Wild Yam Root – 405mg
1.    Helpful to your liver
2.   Good for your endocrine (glands) system
3.   Also used for menstrual distress and menopause

·       Saw palmetto – 450mg – this herb works by inhibiting the production of dihydrotestosterone (DHT) in the human body.
1.     Treatment and preventative for urinary tract infections.
2.   Protects the prostate gland and studies have shown it even treats enlarged prostate!
3.   Helps with hair growth both growing it where you want by massaging the extract or oil into your scalp and reducing growth of unwanted hair
4.   Reduces acne
5.   Acts as a diuretic (water pill) therefore potentially lowering blood pressure
6.   Actually has an enlarging effect on women’s breasts

·       Fenugreek – 610mg
1.    Have antiviral properties and relieve cold symptoms
2.   Used successfully to relieve arthritis pain and stiffness
3.   Helps control diabetes
4.   Helps control  high cholesterol
5.   Increases production of breast milk in breast feeding mothers by 900%!
(to be continued)