Monday, January 31, 2011

Please Read Revised Post

       Hopefully, I have given you a complete and concise overview of the last six years without leaving out too many key points and not rambling too awfully much.
       My biggest regret is that I felt I couldn't go into all the detail of every dream and hallucination I had the second time I was hospitalized. Some of those dreams were could be made into novels in their own right.
       I would like to thank all of my followers and invite them to become my friends. I certainly realize how much time it takes to maintain a blog but I'd really appreciate any and all friends.
       If you know someone who is spinal cord injurd please let them know what my mission is:
       To help the newly injured (particularly women) regain their sense of self esteem, worth, image, and confidance and let them know that are as beautiful, sexy, intelligent, artistic, athletic, and WHOLE as they ever were and no dream is out of or beyond their dreams even if they must do things alittle differently! We are NOT cripples we are SUPERSTARS! We do NOT ride in wheelchairs we drive CHARIOTS!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Story Wrap Up Revised

         This brings my story pretty much up to date. Now you must forgive me for the comas and subsequent brain seizures have left my memory a little bit Swiss cheesy so please allow me to fill in a few a gaps.
         First, when I was 1st injured the state gave us a choice of agencies from which I could receive my certain services called waivers which is slightly different depending on what county you live in, what type of service you may want, and in the case of employees, how much you want them to be paid.
         In the beginning this was very confusing to Eric and me, not to mention we both were still in shock from the accident, the resulting injury and the fact that at the family meeting to discuss with my rehab doctor, the physical and occupational therapists my care and needs, Eric was the ONLY one to show up out of my whole “family”. So we let the rehabilitation center handle all the arrangements and came home to no state funding.
         As time went by we finally straightened out my waiver but I started with only 36 hours of attendant care. That, of course, was in addition to the 40 hours they were paying Eric. Unfortunately for us, his work didn’t end at 40 hours and he became exhausted and frustrated. That, of course, led to Devie and my first punishment for taking his life away from him (even though he offered with his unconditional love speech in the ICU when I was 1st hurt)
         Secondly, I DID attend outpatient physical and occupational therapy for two years. One of those Mary (my lil’ sis) was working for me the first time and stayed about a year but left citing emotional reasons for not staying on. During my time in therapy we didn’t have owe own lift van so I had to take public transportation to every doctors’ appointment or anywhere else I would care to go. I worked very hard while in OP rehab and even tried a standing machine and a manual wheelchair. My PT and I worked every week to try and teach me to sit up on the side of the mat stand with my feet on the floor and my hands in held out in front of me. Even after my best efforts, I could only manage the act few seconds and maybe, on a good day, a minute or two. I wasn’t doing much better in OT. We would work on strength training one week and dexterity the next. I was progressing in every area except one; since my hands are paralyzed I have no grip and my fingers don’t work so I have no pinch. Every time an update was due the OT would cheat by helping my squeeze the instrument that measured that and helped me pinch just to get my insurance to pay for 6 more weeks. Finally my insurance was used up however, I was unaware of this and my doctor told me I had progressed as far as I ever would and he saw no reason to keep me in rehabilitation any longer. The worst thing about his detestable statement was that I believed it!  
         Thirdly, Eric’s health started going downhill about a year before I made the repulsive mistake of hiring Nicole. Thank God he had saved enough money to pay off some debts, get his credit straight and buy some good health insurance before he became really ill. First it was high blood pressure and then a never ending search to try and find out what was causing his foot pain when he and I already knew. Now I had another thing to feel guilty about but I STILL didn’t understand how much I asking of him until it was too late and I was finally understood what my petty demands got me… completely shattered.

         Lastly, my overall attendant hours slowly increased until one day I finally told my case supervisor that I HAD to have more hours. ALL my doctors were now were now in Pittsburgh PA, , I had outpatient physical therapy twice a week, and ever since my hospitalizations I had to two new lung therapies every day. To my pleasant surprise I was allotted 110 hours from 77.  I thought for SURE this would please Eric and give us enough time to “be alone” after all it had been 4 ½ years since he touched me yet he promised “it only a matter of time or when I’m not so tired or when we get more help”. Well, here was my shot but by the time I filled out schedule (including the SLUT) not only was left alone and wanting but as completely broken inside as I was on the outside.
         But now I’ve had two loyal caregivers, Sharlene, who started in September of 2009 and Kristi who started right after the holidays after I finally got rid of the WHORE late in January 2010. Both have been with me since and I hired Michelle about a month ago. Things seem to be working out famously. Eric even made love to a about a 6 weeks ago. I just pray it’s not another 4 ½ years.
         One more thing, my 28 year old son is now staying with us. I’m not sure yet if it’s a curse or a blessing.  For one thing he is a dry heroin addict. I say dry instead of recovering because he’s not in a treatment program, going to NA, OR doing anything to further his recovery. He is on court ordered probation, mostly because I begged the Judge for leniency, so he is urine tested and was ordered to attend an intense outpatient drug rehabilitation treatment program but it hasn’t begun yet. I must give credit though, for Eric helping take care of me at night and clean and maintain the house. I love him dearly, however, I AM his mother so I do and will worry.  GOODNIGHT FRIENDS!

Friday, January 28, 2011

My Story Chapter 12 The End

       I was getting so many mixed signals from Eric I didn’t know from one day to next if I was going to a nursing home or if we were getting married. He definitely resented and blamed for me the life we both now had to lead; with him basically chained to the house every free moment given to me and his health failing more everyday and quickly too. The foot pain had that started two years ago had progressed to the point that it was engulfing his entire calves and shins and had worked its way above his knees. His poor feet and legs were purple with veins and he’s had to take so much oxycodone he’s become an addict in his own right.  Of course, this was my entire fault because I was sooo demanding and didn’t “give a shit about him”. And let’s not forget I’m also a recovering drug addict so once again it was my flaw that caused the accident that paralyzed me and my shortcomings that “forced” Eric to care for me all these years. Yet every night after tucking me into bed and before leaving the room to play his guitar, he would give me an intensely romantic open-mouthed tongue kiss leaving me breathless and wanting, tell me how much he loved me, and tell me (again) that this would be the weekend.         
Then there was my little sister Mary. The one that used to be like my missing puzzle piece. My sister was getting more sensitive by the day and I felt like I was training a brand new stranger each week with a severe personality disorder. I couldn’t even correct her mistakes without profoundly insulting her. Anything I might say to her was heard with innuendo and insinuation. Even when I made it a point to treat her with kid gloves and speak to her like a skittish child she still felt as if I was somehow affronting her. Don’t get me wrong there were those precious moments that we actually got along and maybe even talked about our feelings or shared a few laughs. It wasn’t ALL bad. It’s just sad it ended the way it did. When June went by without an offer to stay overnight I thought she’d say yes to 1st week in July when I had to break down and call to ask her she had plans for every weekend. I didn’t even know she was quitting until about 2 weeks before so I figured Eric would never make love to me again. I was so flustered by everything I didn’t have a replacement for her and we didn’t have the money at the time to place an ad in the newspaper so I tried Craigslist. Unfortunately, I only got responses from women in Allegheny County which is too far away. Apparently, I wasn’t very knowledgeable about how to use Craigslist properly but I eventually learned all the in and outs, tips and tricks, and found my perfect Thursday attendant but not before two extremely pricey Tribune ads run over two weeks and dozens of interviews. I was exhausted. Thank God I finally hired Michelle. 
The end        

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Story Chapter 12 Part 4

        At the same time, I was under the hopes that things between Eric and me were getting better all the time. Twice more on a Sunday after Mary stayed overnight we had sex and one night it so beautiful and familiar it reminded of the lovemaking days of years gone by. Kristi had taken the time to dress me in stockings and a garter that we picked out together on one our shopping trips with good old Don. As Eric undressed for bed as usual he was pleasantly surprised by my efforts to seduce him. And by God it worked! He got in bed, laid on top of me, and kissed me passionately while rubbing his hands up and down my smooth stocking covered legs. Then he rolled me over on my side and didn’t just fuck me fast and furious like before as if he couldn’t wait to get it over with like it was just another dreaded task; but made love to me slowly, kissing every inch of exposed skin he could reach, tenderly rubbing my breast, talking to me about how good I felt inside, how tight I was, moving his hips faster, then slowing down again. Teasing me, touching me, loving me all the way to the crest of my release but then making me wait right there in sweet agonizing need and finally thrusting  fast and deep. As soon as he felt my vagina squeezing with my own orgasm he let his own go and we virtually came together. I could feel his ejaculate pumping inside me as my kegel muscles spasmed around his penis. He fell asleep still inside me spooning me and I was very happy to have him next me but not quite comfortable. Our fervent sex had left me uncovered and my lower body painfully twisted. I didn’t want to wake him so I tried unsuccessfully to relax and enjoy the closeness I so desperately missed. It worked for a short time but then the pain woke me up and I had no choice but wake Eric. He was glad I did however, since it was late and he wanted to get me into bed and go play his guitar for a little while so it worked out in the end …for a short time. ( to be continued)  

My Story Chapter 12 Part 3

          Kristi and I became good friends despite the fairly large age difference and began I confiding in her and she in me. Ours was more like a mother daughter relationship with me teaching her everything from the simplest things like folding clothes to getting involved where I probably shouldn’t have such as telling her how to discipline her children. Looking back, I wish wouldn’t have had said some of things I did but as they say hind sight is 20/20. She’s now worked for me over a year. I can’t say enough about what a sweet and giving person Kristi is; there hasn’t been one thing I’ve asked of her that she’s refused. And the most important quality about her is that she nothing like Nicole. I don’t think. There’s just absolutely, positively, utterly no way I could ever be the trusting, open book, heart on my sleeve, Lori I had been all my life ever again and that truly is a shame.

( to be continued)      

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

My Story Chapter 12 Part 2

        My sister Mary did made a very generous offer to stay overnight one weekend day a month and care for me so Eric could go fishing, play open stage or just go upstairs and do whatever he wanted while catching up on his sleep as well. She did this from March through June. I had no idea at the time that she would be quitting at the end of summer because of her college schedule or that she some time during her employment with me she began supplementing her income by stealing some of my pain meds and selling them in her trailer park.
        So I was really  glad to see Eric gathering his fishing gear for first time in 5 years and loading up the van to go night fish just like he used to a thousand times before. My sister was acting really grumpy and didn’t want to be bothered but wanted only to sleep. I thought she understood that I sometimes needed things at night and I was especially anxious because Eric wasn’t here if something went wrong. I think I really exasperated her. It was strange I couldn’t talk to her like we used to when I was able bodied; now it seemed everything I said insulted her in some way and found myself walking on eggshells when she worked. I also started dreading Thursdays and I felt horrible about that. Now I understand, a guilty conscious can do all kinds of things to make a person paranoid and overly sensitive. Although I still longed for the old days when we could talk about any and everything and seemed to be each others’ alter ego.  
        One good thing came out of Mary’s tenure here however. On a Sundays after three of the four weekend days she stayed overnight, on March 13, 2010, 4 ½ years since Eric and I made love, he actually got into bed with me and we had sex. One time it was almost like making love but the first time I so excited, surprised I thought for sure I’d have an orgasm yet I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he thinking about Nicole or Devie. Because Kristi and I had come across his cell phone one afternoon while cleaning and she showed me how to get into his contacts, recent calls, and texts and I found out he was still talking to Nicole after he told me he had stopped. Of course Devie’s phone number was programmed in there as well. I knew I shouldn’t be invading his privacy that way; it was as bad as looking in his wallet which I firmly believe is a dreadful violation of someone’s confidentiality. It was as if some nameless force was driving me and simply couldn’t help myself. I felt so bad yet was so angry I ended up confronting Eric. He was absolutely livid with me and I can’t blame him not one bit. I couldn’t even discuss my feelings about how much it hurt me to see that he still in touch with Devie. Then to put frosting on the cake one night when while Eric was putting into bed he admitted that he did meet up Nicole a few times at Wal-Mart on his way to do the weekly shopping. It’s been over a year and I STILL can’t stomach riding in the van. All I can think about is the man I want most, need most, love most, in the world humping that fat whore on back seat and it boggles my mind. When I was able bodied we great, mad, passionate, role playing, foreplay for hours, multiple orgasmic, no holds barred sex and tender, passionate, mouth exploring, four handed, slow and long, lovemaking sessions. We were positively fantastic together, I can’t imagine being with another man and before I met Eric I was NOT a one man woman.
         Meanwhile, Kristi was having trouble waking me up on Fridays. Eric even tried and couldn’t. He accused me of taking too many meds and over sedating myself. I tried  defending myself because I knew what meds I taking because they were premade the night before by the attendant who was working that shift according to my medication list posted on my cabinet to ensure no mistakes. We had no idea at the time that my sister was substituting klonopin ( an anti-anxiety pill that is very sedating) for dilaudid ( a pain medication also an opiate narcotic) so she could take the pain pills with her. They looked very similar and since I only took them in half doses they were cut which made them even harder to tell apart. I could have overdosed or had another lung collapse but she mustn’t have been taking too many at first or I was just extraordinarily lucky. Unless, maybe just maybe my guardian angel never really did fly away those long, long, years ago.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Story Chapter 12 Part 1

          After Eric’s soul searching confession I was practically obsessed with his every move. Especially, his facebook page and yahoo IM which he grudgedly gave me access to so I could leave him messages on it. However, he did lecture me about how stupid it was for me to IM him since we live in the same house even though as I tried to explain the house is huge and sometimes he’s upstairs besides it’s fun and romantic to leave each other little messages. Well, I was the only one leaving messages and he completely ignored them to chat with Devie instead. If I dared bring it up, I’d get the assault that poor, dear, sweet, deathly ill, Devie needed a friend to talk to and I should stop trying to get between them because it was NEVER going to happen. If I tried to defend myself and ask why he didn’t answer my messages, he went back to the same argument. We live in the same fucking house what the fuck does he need to leave me a message about? How sweet was that?
          This was time period that my sister Mary was working for one day a week. After the holidays in 2009, we decided it would be a good time to place an ad in newspaper for a full time person to replace Nicole. I already had evening help since the girl that had been working full time I replaced with Nicole and offered her weekends instead. She didn’t go for that though and quit. But her mother, Sharlene, became my late shift lady and a good friend about Sept. ’09. Anyway my sister asked if I would keep Thurs. open for her because she was attending college every other during the week and she and ex had split custody of my nephew Shane on the weekends. I told her I would and finally rounded out my schedule in late Jan ’10 a with wonderful girl named Kristi who would do anything for me and never refused one single request. I ended up not needing a weekend employee since Mary worked 12 hours on Thurs. and Kristi took Sat. as her fifth 8 hour day. I thought Eric would be happy that the state increased my hours and we had so much more help but it seemed like nothing satisfied him.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Story Chapter Eleven P.S.

          Oh and by the way, for some reason (which I could use my amateur psychiatry to try and explain but won’t) after Nicole was gone Eric felt the need to tell me how the thing started AND about every infidelity he committed in the last 4 ½ years. First, I’d like to say in the eleven years we had together as an able bodied couple to my knowledge Eric never once cheated on me. If he did I NEVER saw signs of it, heard rumors to the affect or had any guilty conscious confessions. So I always trusted him completely and without reservation. I ‘m not saying I wasn’t possessive because I remember getting extremely jealous the first I found his pornography stash!       
After I told him that Nicole was torturing me every day with her stories and showing me letters Eric had written to her, he ran upstairs and came down huffing and puffing with small stack of notes and told me she was the one that seduced him. “See honey, look at this, I found it on the kitchen table just a week after she started!”He held the slip of paper out to me. On it were three hand printed words: I’m sooo wet… There were many more some short horny phrases akin to the afore mentioned some long drawn out declarations of her undying love for him and still others asking him why he wouldn’t leave me, put me in a home where I belonged and move her in here with her four children. As long as I’ve known Eric, (almost 17 years) I’ve never known him to want or LIKE children. Apparently, Nicole had her eye on Eric as far back as when I interviewed her. And stupid, trusting, and self absorbed me didn’t see or even for a second suspect it! According to Eric their first encounter happened without him knowing. He took regular naps in the late afternoon because he doesn’t get much sleep at night caring for me. The weather was still fairly warm being early fall and he liked to nap in our van which had a fold down rear seat that turned into a full size bed. One afternoon Eric tells me he went out to take his nap and there was Nicole wearing nothing but thigh high leather boots and a smile lying on the van bed waiting for him. RIGHT AFTER HER SHIFT!!!
        But back to the unexplained confessions, Eric sat beside my bed one morning shortly after Nicole left and told me each and every indiscretion he’s ever had or even had the chance to pursue since I got hurt. Three of them were my trusted caretakers/attendants and one of these worked here more than a year and I considered a very good friend (remember Janice?) I used to call her “Pookie” and I loved her. That was another issue about Eric and Nicole’s liaison, Eric, of course, crushed me. I still have nightmares about the months of torture I was forced to endure. But I had real feelings for Nicole as well and she broke my trust and did something to me no living human was ever able to do; bring out feelings of real hatred, vengeance and malice. I used to pray for my soul after having some of the vicious thoughts and secret wishes that I fantasized would happen to her and her family. But in the end she did get hers. Check out my facebook page if you want to know what. There’s a link right on my blog. (hint, hint)
        But I digress, so back to the subject at hand, Eric’s odd, painful, and unnecessary confessions. He me told about nurses and receptionists that offered their phone numbers just in case he needed or a wanted to be with a “real woman” instead of a cripple. And the main reason he wasn’t seeing Nicole anymore was because Devie’s (the woman from Canada) sister had found him on facebook and told him Devie was very sick and wanted to talk to him. Then he admitted he never really stopped talking to her all these years and they only lost touch for a couple of months. I asked him if he loved her and he said yes. I asked him how he could be in love with so many different women at once and his reply was that he didn’t love Nicole anymore now that he saw her for what she truly was but he would always love Devie and I better get used it. I was so depressed over everything that happened that I lost another ten pounds because I simply could not eat. Those are the pics of me in red with little black leather skirt. Notice my arms; you’ll be able to tell. And I was wearing my Victoria’s Secret bra, ladies you know what that means. By the time he done describing how my Pookie gave him head (felatio)  in the next room while I was in my room working on the computer, I had cried so long and hard there were tears and snot all over my pillow case and my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I hope it made him feel better in some way.                  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My Story Chapter Eleven The End

        When I was finally approved the extra hours needed for help and hired Nicole, I thought I had found the perfect attendant, the cure to the household ills, and the best friend I ever had. She was married and had four small children so I figured she was mature, organized and could multi-task. I confided ALL my hopes, fears, dreams and of course what longed for most; a relationship with the man I loved more than anything. She entrusted me with a few personal thoughts and facts of her own. She said she didn’t have any girl friends because they were all lying, back stabbing bitches present company excluded of course. She admitted to being quite the drinker and having a taste for cocaine. I felt as close to Nicole as any sister could and trusted her without reservation. The words she spoke to me and things she would do gave me such a boost to my self esteem that I once told her she made me feel like I was standing even though I was confined this chair. She seemed genuinely touched. I never met another human being with so much game.
When my buddy Don called and asked if I wanted to be a model in a fashion show for a benefit his organization was putting on I was so excited, flattered, and grateful words escaped for me moment. After I accepted, he went on to explain that the Three Rivers Centers for Independent Living was having a benefit dinner to honor their biggest contributors and a there would be fashion show after dinner put on by the publisher of small magazine called Chloe completely designed by and for disabled women. During the show six models would be showing adaptive clothing made by designers with the disabled in mind. Dinner was included with the tickets for models, their significant other or their attendant. Eric said he’d drive but would rather stay in the van and sleep so I asked Nikky to be my guest. She honestly sounded thrilled to be invited as my guest and even said she didn’t have many chances to get dressed up and go out to nice places like the Sheridan. It was on the South Side of Pittsburgh right on the river with the city lights dancing off the water like fiery imps.

The show was a success and at the risk of tooting my own horn, I was the star. Coming down that runway in my wheelchair felt more like flying a magical chariot I was so full of pure joy, honor and confidence. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt closer to actually walking since my accident than I did that night. And when the show was over so many people came up to congratulate and chat with me I simply felt famous. Nicole managed to get few pictures after the show because she was simply too busy with outfit changes, hair management and lipstick while the festivities were going on to take photos. Andrew Stockey from Action News MCed the whole event and not only did I make it on the local TV news but Mr. Stokey used my picture in his blog for the local newspaper. I felt like a star. However, stars sometimes fall and it wasn’t long before mine was pulled from the heavens and imploded…along with my heart.
 If I lived to be 150 years I don’t believe I’d ever forget that fateful day when my beloved, my savior, my protector, my one time greatest lover, my hopes and dreams, my man wheeled me into the shower like a thousand times before, pushed my shower chair into place and lit a smoke for us chatting all the while just as our ritual dictated. But then he grew quiet and began tenderly stroking my head. I looked up into his face surprised by the sudden outpouring of affection and the look in his eyes nearly stopped my heart and in a faint and unsteady voice I asked him what I feared for my sanity I didn’t want know, “What’s wrong honey?” He sighed long and hard. We were staring into each others’ eyes; an almost mirror image of big dark brown eyes looking so deeply and intently into one another the moment almost seemed surreal. Then he took a deep breath and told me that he and Nicole had been having an affair for some time and he was in love with her. At that moment I swear I felt my heart break like a china tea cup being dropped on a tile floor. He went on to explain that he would always love me and take care of me but he was no longer “in love” with me. By this time tears were streaming down my face and I was asking question after question: What did I do wrong? How did this happen? How long has this going on? Why did they do this to me? And many, many more whose answers only left me more and more broken. I felt bad about Nicole too. I loved her and she betrayed me. But the worst thing he said to me was I’d better not think about firing her because she was the best attendant I ever had and she helped HIM out so much that I’d never find anyone as good as she was for both of us. I was flabbergasted. He went on to say that he’d go see her anyway and if I was left here with substandard care it would be my own fault. I felt trapped and kept her on for awhile.
So I had to look at Nicole every morning knowing she had come in early to be with Eric in very next room while I slept. And to rub salt in the wound she would always be sure to describe the love poetry he had texted the night before, ask a personal question such as if when me and Eric made love if we ever just kissed for half an hour beforehand or simply come straight out and describe their lovemaking. I never hated anyone in my life before and believe me I’ve been done wrong but I can honestly say without shame, regret, guilt or fear of retribution that I hate that vile woman.
Eventually Nicole’s true colors began to show through even to Eric. Although I knew her dark secrets, telling Eric had done no good because he thought I was lying to win him back away from his whore. Her employment here ended one day when she came in with a written notice of her resignation. At that point I didn’t have the full story behind her reasons for quitting but she told me some terrible things that to this day I don’t if are true or false. She said Eric gave her an X-rated DVD he made showing himself masturbating and did the same thing over web cam the night before. But when I told this to Eric, he FLIPPED OUT confronting her in my room while I lay in bed helpless to move. They were screaming at each other for almost two hours with Nicole crying, begging and saying but I love you over and over. It was agonizing. Finally, gratefully, she left. She never came back to house but Eric still talked to her on the phone and met her a few times after that. It took another woman to completely rid that disease from his life… his old girlfriend in Canada.                                                                                                                    

Sunday, January 16, 2011

My Story Chapter Eleven Part 2

         I was finally enjoying the sun, the garden, and the wildlife in the summer at home. My peer counselor Don had asked me to speak the anniversary of the signing of the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) rally being held at the courthouse square in Greensburg, PA which was only a few miles from where I lived and my hometown. I was absolutely thrilled and flattered by his invitation and was preparing on line since I wasn’t quite clear exactly all the ADA encompassed. Since the event was being held July 17th, 2009, I had a few weeks to write my 5 to 15 minute speech and after growing out of my backward nature I really wasn’t nervous about getting up at a microphone in front of everyone either. I truly was looking forward to the event.
         This was another time I genuinely wanted my family to be there to hear me speak but NOT ONE showed up and I can’t stress this enough because they ALL live in the area, some within walking distance!!! I made certain to call and let my mother know what I doing and how much it would mean to me if my sisters and brothers’ in law, my niece and my great nephews, and my mom could be there to cheer me on and visit some of them for first time in YEARS. There would be no long drive out to my house, uncomfortable visit with my fiancĂ©e, no worries about guns being in my home, or any other countless excuses.
Happily, my adopted parents were there, Eric’s parent’s who have been to every function, birthday, Easter, AND Christmas because they know how difficult it is for us to get out. They would even try and stop by once a week just for a visit. His parents have taught me what family values, marriage, and caring for a sick loved one REALLY means. They are the only family I’ve known for at least 3 years. My mom was the only one who did try to visit as much as she could until the last year or so. She is in her 80’s now and it is hard for her drive out here alone. ( to be continued)    

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My Story Chapter Eleven Part 1

          Another summer had passed by while I lay in a hospital except this time I came home with a tracheotomy and a feeding tube. It’s no wonder Eric quit me seeing as a woman and more like a patient every day. I spent the long, cold, dreary winter going from one doctor to another. Finally, all the implements were removed and I was more or less myself although, it did take 3 months to heal those atrocious, painful, and miserable bedsores. I also lost so much weight through the ordeal I was down to 114 lbs which certainly wasn’t enough for my 5’ 6” frame.
Eric spent the winter working on what was to become my permanent bedroom which used to be our large den. Because I was ALWAYS cold, he insulated the entire room including the ceiling and put in two heating ducts plus a space heater for those cold Pennsylvania nights. He added a sink and two small windows and took out the large brick fireplace in the south facing wall. Since our front door entrants and coat room were adjacent and connected by a doorway to the new room the front door was permanently closed off and the front room became my walk in closet. When the bedroom was finished it was quite self-sufficient with a mini fridge and microwave along with filtered water from the small sink.
We both got the flu late that winter and were terribly ill. Thankfully, Eric became sick before I did and was able to take care for me even though he was not fully recovered. But the important thing is that I didn’t end up in hospital. Thanks to the lung equipment prescribed when I was in Presby.
We were having a hard time finding good help during that period as well and turnover was a big problem. We had people steal from us and one ex-employee quit without notice then tried to convince the state that I sexually harassed her!
Spring and summer came and I was in excellent health; Physically. Emotionally I was deteriorating into a despondency so severe I couldn’t see beyond my own misery. It was now four and half years since Eric made love to me and I had recently begun regaining sensation in those special areas. Sometimes the feelings of craving and desire would come over me so strongly it was painful. And once again I didn’t see with full clarity the toll the extra work, the sleepless nights, the years, had actually taken on Eric. It wouldn’t be long before I would have my eyes opened in the most brutal of ways.
It would be a roller coaster ride for me that late summer through late fall and early winter in 2009. I would shoot to the highest stars on cherubs wings and then be crushed into powder like a clump of dried dirt under a workman’s boot. (to be continued)        

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Story Chapter Ten The End

        Every time the doctor would try and remove the ventilator my vital stats would drop and they had to abort the attempt. But I wanted the ventilator out so badly I actually asked (they had a chart with words and letters on it that I could point to with my knuckle) that a tracheotomy be performed instead. For those of you who don’t know what type of procedure this is I will explain; the surgeon makes an incision in my throat and inserts the trach into my windpipe leaving a small tube sticking out of my throat so I can breathe. I was still unable to talk though because the tube let’s air onto the vocal cords. Once the incision healed the tube could be capped with what was aptly called a talking cap but I’d have to wait. The respiratory therapist gave me a small reprieve from my muteness by putting his finger partially over the tube and asked me to try and speak. I barely whispered my first words in faint a weak voice in weeks. I was beyond thrilled to be able to communicate again without having to clumsily try to use my curled finger to point at a tiny chart.
        After the surgery, I still had to have the ventilator hooked up at night because my secretions would clog the trach tube and my stats would fall. Eventually, I had to leave Mercy Hospital and go somewhere that specialized in weaning patients off ventilators and that place unknowingly to us at the time was deplorable. They kept you there until they bled your insurance dry or you died of any number of complications in that substandard, understaffed, and filthy facility called Select Specialty in Latrobe, PA. I would spend the entire day off the ventilator breathing on my own, working with my speech therapist to try and get voice back, and drinking and swallowing water with no problems. Then at night they would cap my trach and shove that damn tube down my throat putting the settings on maximum. Then they kept trying to sit me up at a ninety degree to see if I could pass a swallow test which I couldn’t because I can’t sit up at that angle being paralyzed at the chest. So I have another permanent albeit small scar in my body because of these peoples ineptness. For some unknown reason they couldn’t keep the nasal canula that went down into my stomach from being dislodged. This was how I was being fed and given my medications. It had worked fine at Mercy for four weeks now after a week or so at Reject Specialty it fails? Anyway, I had to have a feeding tube put directly into my stomach. Meanwhile, the bed sores I had became twice as severe there because the nurses didn’t change the dressings as often and I laid in my own filth sometimes for days  The staff there was sooo unqualified to care for a quadriplegic it was both appalling and ridiculous. We should have sued but at least Eric heeded my pleas to get me the hell out of there before I died like my roommate or my insurance was completely depleted.
        I feel I must tell you how my roommate died before I close this chapter of my story because is it so gruesome and cruel. The gentleman I am referring to was not exactly in the same room with me but in an adjacent room. Apparently, he had a bad heart and according the “doctors” in that God forsaken place, nothing could be done and the poor man was going die sooner or later. Being a heart patient he was on an IV drip of dopamine which is a medication that regulates your heart rate. Well, the family was called in and given the mournful news and asked to make a decision about how they wanted to let the man die. Of course they weren’t given proper information about his medications and how long it would take for him die with each of their decisions and so forth. What ended up happening was the man taken off his ventilator but left on his dopamine. What that meant was for three long agonizing days that poor man gasped for air until he suffocated to death with his bad heart pumping away at steady pace until he was dead. After that I was done. I told Eric. He flipped out on the facility administrator and we were OTTA THERE!                  

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My Son Is Staying

        My son is staying with us now. I apologize for not blogging every day this week. It’s been very hectic since he’s just moved in. I’ll get back on track tomorrow friends. Thank you for your patience.
Dear Magistrate DeMacrus,
               My name is Lori Bosley and I am asking that you give my son William leniency so that he can come back to my home and live and help care for me. I am a quadriplegic paralyzed from the chest down and my husband’s health is beginning to fail from the long hours and many years of taking care of me alone. We could really use my son’s help and the environment here is so different than that of his father’s where there are drugs around and his dad goes out and drinks every day.  
               He would have a stable home where he could learn proper values and work ethics, have more opportunities to excel in life, be surrounded by people who love him, give him much needed structure in his life, and will nurture his positive aspects and abilities. We would absolutely follow all stipulations of house arrest, parole, or probation.
Thank you for your consideration,
Lori A. Bosley

Sunday, January 9, 2011

My Story Chapter Ten Part 5

         This brings us ever so slowly struggling to stay in my fantasy land, back to the world of the conscious yet still very groggy for many days. To make sure I knew what hospital in, Eric made sure to tell the entire staff right done to cleaning people to make certain they showed me their name tags with Mercy Hospital embossed on them so I wouldn’t freak out thinking I was back at Presby.
        During my lucid periods I was pretty miserable with the ventilator shoved down my throat hurting my jaw and pushing the tip of my tongue out through a small space between my teeth making it dry and sore. Plus the tube itself hung out of the corner of my mouth pressing against my lips in the same place for weeks. It made it difficult to enjoy Eric’s visits and almost impossible to sleep. Until Eric talked to my doctor to get my meds increased then I began to feel better because I was sleeping and dreaming more than I was awake. At least that’s how I remember things which doesn’t mean that’s how they happened.
        Before coming out of the coma Eric was staying at the hospital every night and Dale would stay to give him night off. While having the brain seizures my heart failed then after the cardiologist got me all fixed up my kidneys failed. So before my neurologist found the right combination of seizure meds I had a virtual team of specialists. And even though they had me on a special mattress because of my pneumonia, I still developed three deep bed sores on my behind. Since I was being fed with a feeding tube, unconscious, and a quadriplegic I had to have a bag attached to my rectum. Had I been able bodied the bag would have been easily used. It had a long tube attached to it and at the of the tube was a catheter type ball that fit into the rectum to collect the feces which was kept liquefied by stool softeners.
        Unfortunately, this procedure was not easily done with me because of my paralysis I don’t have the muscle tone to hold the ball inside me so the nurses were constantly taping the bag to bum with gobs and gobs of tape. Early in the mornings I would have an accident and they would have to pull the bag off with tape and a lot of my skin as well! I ended up with two stage two sore on butt cheeks and a stage three on tailbone (it’s still scarred to this day). It was a viscous painful dirty cycle. I used to watch the clock in nurses’ station for my medication times and start pushing my buzzer ten minutes before my pain meds were due every time. (to be continued)     

Friday, January 7, 2011

My Story Chapter Ten Part 4

                 Now since I had pneumonia and had to be reintubated, I was being given propofol again to keep me sedated and calm. So it was back into fantasy land for me. I, of course, was chosen to be the guest of honor to attend the party at the castle (from my first dream) and ultimately meet the (sorcerer/demon /vampire?) black magic man of a host and be his special lady for an event of the evening. The affair itself was so fantastical, freakish, and yet erotic I found every sense alive and tingling with wonder, fear, and excitement. The party was filled with such outlandish characters and bizarre scenes it would take five pages to describe it all. Let’s just say it was like being in a Disney production combined with a horror flick with dash of sci-fi just fun. And every function was designed to make me feel good like the warm feeling you get in your stomach with that first drink, the calm that only comes right before you fall asleep, or the passionate afterglow while lying in your lover’s arms.
         But there was a part of the dream so incredibly weird I just can’t leave it out of this story. To have the private audience with the black magic warlock I had to pass a series of trials to finally win the grand prize. He lived in the uppermost spire of the black castle which seemed to be built into a mountain side. However, after each gathering and ultimate ritual the castle magically moved and became invisible again. Only word of mouth spread where the new meeting place was going to be held to pick out the fresh party goers and fortunate special guest. At any rate, I had climb through a series of small tunnels and narrow jagged crevasses to the very pinnacle of the wizard man’s lair where he sat on a padded throne awaiting my arrival. As I approached him my heart began to race, my breaths came faster, and a heated longing filled my lower body. He was so frightening yet so beautiful it took my breath away but somehow I knew that under this guise was something so evil, so grotesque, so horrifying just to catch a glimpse would strike me mute. I sat down before him half out of exhaustion half enchantment.
         Finally the conclusion of the ceremony was at hand the reason for the party, the reason for the hunt for perfect prospect. The black magic man opened his hand and in it was tiny green glowing crystal. “Swallow this, my darling,” he said, “It will take you to the stars.” I did …and it did…on unicorn’s wings. (to be continued)