Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Letting go of resentments is a painstakingly slow, difficult and emotional process. But it is one that is vital for your psychological healing and must be done sooner rather than later. Remember when I told you that I couldn’t stop loving my ex-husband until I stopped hating him? This was part of letting go of resentment toward him for all the wrongs he did to me and how badly I felt about myself for letting him. Finally giving up the fantasy that if I would have done something differently, I could have changed the outcome of our doomed marriage; at last putting an end to blaming myself for not being pretty enough, sexy enough, a good enough lover, friend, housewife, cook and on and on…for HIS infidelities and drunken drug binges.
When I began to take care of myself through AA, outpatient mental health therapy and prayer and my own spiritual program based on my beliefs in what I consider God to be, I began to heal. It’s a process that each of you will have to experience for yourself no matter how much I tell you I’ve been there and feel your pain. No one would like it more than I if I could just wave a magical wand and make it all better for all of you suffering through a breakup or trying desperately to “get your head together”.
All I can do is make suggestions based on my own experiences and I must admit I’ve had many, many experiences. I picked up a dreadful habit while living with my 1st husband; I became a truly ill, terribly addicted and fully fledged alcoholic by example and years of practice. Thankfully, I haven’t had a drink since alcohol took my sister’s life ten years ago but I drank off and on throughout my relationship with Eric which stunted a beautiful union that could have been epic in its proportions and nearly was despite my disease.
However, I digress and we must get back on topic; letting go of those resentments that are eating a hole in your heart and soul.
(to be continued)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Negative self talk is something you’ve probably been engaging in since you were a little tot. Let’s say for example you hear your parents arguing about something ridiculous like supper. Your father is yelling at your mother because she made spaghetti and meatballs instead of meat and potatoes. So your mom says well that’s what he/she, meaning you, wanted and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. But your dad’s in bad mood from work or drinking too much or whatever and makes a big deal about it. You say to yourself, “Why did I have to be such a dummy and want spaghetti?” As if you could read minds which my dear friends you cannot! And even if you could what’s wrong with answering your mother when she asks you what you want to eat?
Stop whatever you are doing, sit down and think. How many times have you put yourself down, called yourself a name or felt guilty over something said or something done that was completely out of your control? Too many times I’m sure. This is called negative self talk and it’s time to unlearn the lifetime habit.
I must say that this is an ever ongoing process and I still find during those weak moments slipping back into this behavior. But if you just follow a few steps, one thing at a time, first things first, you’ll be okay.
First, you must recognize when you are saying these things to yourself. Usually, this behavior is deeply ingrained in your psyche you don’t even realize you’re doing it. This is where your friends come in to play. That is if you have friends you can trust with such personal information. Hopefully you have at least one trustworthy friend you can turn to. If not you are pretty much forced to seek out a self help group or professional therapy which I suggest anyway. That’s one heck of a lot of responsibility to heap on your friend alone. The bottom line here is someone’s got to point it out to you whenever you start calling yourself names, putting yourself down or blaming yourself for something you either didn’t have any part in or no control over. The more it’s pointed out to you, the easier it becomes to recognize it. Plus the more often you are doing your positive affirmations (remember those?) the easier it will be to see and hear negativity in your life.
Then, start working on letting go of your resentments. Harboring hatred or a death wish for someone doesn’t harm them at all but it slowly eats a hole into your soul like cancer.
(to be continued)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Alright then, once you’ve found some help that works in dealing with the emotional issues that keep you coming back time and time again to the you that’s psychologically crippled, mentally scrambled and socially paralyzed; for goodness sake keep at it and no matter how difficult it gets, remember how bad it can actually be.
There are some things you can do each day and make them regular important habits until they are no more unfamiliar than brushing your teeth. They may feel very awkward and uncomfortable at first but keep at it. Each morning upon arising, look in your mirror and say to yourself, speaking aloud, “I am a good person and deserve the best that life has to offer.“ Start with this simple phrase and build upon it. Soon add other self affirmations until you are telling yourself five good things to your mirror image. Soon you this will become a habit, then just another part of your day. Remember there’s no sense telling yourself good things if you’re going to ruin each day by still putting yourself down. So THAT is a habit you’ll have to break.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Learning to live by yourself is both a frightening and overwhelming proposition, especially if you’ve never done it. But it is now your time to get acquainted with the most important person in your life, YOU. Think about it clearly for just one moment. If you are not healthy, happy and well adjusted how in the world will you attract a partner who is, not to mention raise children who are or have friendships based on mutual respect for one another, basic philosophies in common and a real trust between each other? The type of relationships you have with others begins squarely with you. That is why it is so vitally imperative you stay out of a relationship until you’ve had time to work on your own character defects, self esteem issues and place in this big bad beautiful world in which you exist.
If you do not have a professional to discuss your issues with, perhaps there is a trusted clergyman or there are always free group settings. I highly recommend any 12 step program which is NOT a religious group but is very spiritual. But it is the fellowship, sponsorship and steps that work to get you healthy. However, there are those that I can’t get to go a meeting no matter what I say or do. I was active in AA for many years due to my love affair with alcohol. I can tell you this from personal experience; you needn’t be an alcoholic to benefit from the 12 steps, any human being can learn a great deal about themselves and regain lost self esteem, worth and confidence as well as release resentments and make amends for wrongs done to others. Wonderful program. If you don’t want to commit to the meetings at least pick up a copy of the12 and 12 which explains the steps and traditions of the program. Find someone who’s been there (like me) and go through each step with your friend who has done it before you.
Or you can open up to close and TRUSTWORTHY friend who is a good listener. Hopefully, this friend must be someone you trust implicitly and have an easy time discussing sensitive matters with. Be sure you are comfortable with this individual.
(to be continued)