Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I’m so bored lately I’m about to go out of my mind. It’s the same old routine day in and day out. I haven’t left my room for days. All I do is get on the computer and never get off unless I’m sleeping. I sincerely apologize for not posting but I think I’m suffering from some seasonal depression.
I think I’m gaining weight which upsets me greatly. I’m still having trouble with my belly blowing up and not going back down. It’s driving me mad. I have every symptom of an under active thyroid but I don’t know which way to go with my medicine. I tried increasing the dose and the problems got worse so I guess I’ll try reducing the medication. I wish something would work.
Eric and I fight all the time. I just can’t seem to make him happy. Everything I do pisses him off. I wish we could go back in time and I could change everything that’s happened in the last seven years. Actually, I’d have to go back 10 years to make it alright. But it’s fruitless to think like that and I know that I can only go forward never back.
I need to have a serious talk with Kristi, one of my attendants. I interviewed a new person for her position due to her lack of reliability and work ethic. Even though she’s been with me for well over a year, I feel like as though I can’t count on her, especially in the winter when she calls off if there is the slightest chance of snow. The new woman I interviewed seemed capable, reliable and willing to work. I need someone I can count on but I’m not looking forward to talking to Kristi about giving her notice. That’s why I’ve procrastinated all week and I MUST call her on Thursday so I can let the new employee know if she’s starting this week or next or not for two weeks. I don’t relish this phone call and wish we could have this talk face to face.
Well, that’s it for me for tonight. I’m falling asleep in my wheelchair and still have other things to do, so goodnight friends and sleep well.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Eric is still the king of mixed signals. He could be yelling at me one moment and the next he will be texting me on the computer from his ipod from another room in the house just to see if I’m okay. Bruce still wants to meet me sometime in mid to late January of next year. I’d really love to meet him but I’m scared. I’d have to take someone with me and it would have to be Michelle. The logistics behind the whole event are staggering. I’m going to have to talk to Bruce about it. Maybe he has some ideas. I don’t know how he could since he really has no experience with me or any quadriplegic.
I suppose if I’m really going to do this, I need to a LOT more planning and with Bruce’s involvement. We have a lot more details to discuss. After all, we’re not a couple of teenagers running away from home even though that is what it feels like.
(to be continued)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I’ve been networking a lot on model mayhem and I’ve met a lot of people and made some special friends. I’d like to talk about one in particular. One who I’ve become so close to it frightens me. One who told me he loves me and wants to meet me…soon. We have talked to each other in depth and no, he is not a devo. He is a lonesome older gentleman, recently out of a codependent relationship.
I really like Bruce, I can’t say that I love him because my heart belongs to Eric and probably always will. It’s amazing to me that still love Eric so deeply after all the evil things he has done to me but for whatever reason I still love him deeply, truly, madly.
And I believe I’ve been nothing but upfront with Bruce, but if Eric knew some of the things I’ve said to Bruce, he’d go insane with a jealous rage. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing…am I leading Bruce on a path that has no destination just to make myself feel wanted or do I really care for this man enough to go through with an affair? I feel like a little kid who is orphaned and has no one to turn to for advice, making adult decisions on my own.
(to be continued)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I was talking to my good friend Bruce and asked him to give me a mission statement about his idea and this is what he wrote, ‘’ I want to allow disabled artists and photographers to be able to have a way of expressing themselves without any software or hardware getting in the way of their creative capabilities. I want the software and hardware they are accessing to be doing all the hard work so that they don't have to! If a photographer wants to be able to shoot a picture, edit the picture, and then display the picture, right from their wheelchair they should be able to easily do that without any specialized equipment that has to be set up or learned.”
He tells me he can get a grant to make it to this a reality as well. When I first learned that I had lost use of my hands it was almost a bigger shock than losing my ability to walk. The thought of never drawing, taking another photograph or making a brush stroke was almost too much to bear. But I plan on helping Bruce in way possible and using my Saturdays exclusively for art or writing, NO computer. I believe I will become more fulfilled as a human. It will take a lot of work but will be worth it in the long run. I will certainly keep you, my friends up to date on my progress and Bruce’s.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I have a friend who is a photographer who has an idea for making computer assisted photo equipment for the handicapped. I’m not completely sure about the details but I know he wants to upgrade a camera so its handicapped accessible. The rest such as editing can be done through the computer which has already been made accessible to us. What a wondrous world this would open up for us.
Before I was injured I was an artist, a painter and a photographer, then when I broke my neck, my hands were paralyzed making all my passions out of my reach. I mourned their loss just as much as walking, When I was told that I had permanently lost the use of my hands I went into a mourning period that lasted years. Even though, I could have learned to write, draw, and paint with a brace using my wrist, I never took the time to practice and only signed my name when I was forced to. I miss painting every day but don’t feel it would be good time management to try it again it. So I never have. But one of these days I must. I just have to get Eric to set up my easel and have Michelle get paint, brushes, water, rags, and brace. She’ll also have to sit by side and change and clean my brushes and water regularly.
(to be continued)