Friday, January 28, 2011
I was getting so many mixed signals from Eric I didn’t know from one day to next if I was going to a nursing home or if we were getting married. He definitely resented and blamed for me the life we both now had to lead; with him basically chained to the house every free moment given to me and his health failing more everyday and quickly too. The foot pain had that started two years ago had progressed to the point that it was engulfing his entire calves and shins and had worked its way above his knees. His poor feet and legs were purple with veins and he’s had to take so much oxycodone he’s become an addict in his own right. Of course, this was my entire fault because I was sooo demanding and didn’t “give a shit about him”. And let’s not forget I’m also a recovering drug addict so once again it was my flaw that caused the accident that paralyzed me and my shortcomings that “forced” Eric to care for me all these years. Yet every night after tucking me into bed and before leaving the room to play his guitar, he would give me an intensely romantic open-mouthed tongue kiss leaving me breathless and wanting, tell me how much he loved me, and tell me (again) that this would be the weekend.
Then there was my little sister Mary. The one that used to be like my missing puzzle piece. My sister was getting more sensitive by the day and I felt like I was training a brand new stranger each week with a severe personality disorder. I couldn’t even correct her mistakes without profoundly insulting her. Anything I might say to her was heard with innuendo and insinuation. Even when I made it a point to treat her with kid gloves and speak to her like a skittish child she still felt as if I was somehow affronting her. Don’t get me wrong there were those precious moments that we actually got along and maybe even talked about our feelings or shared a few laughs. It wasn’t ALL bad. It’s just sad it ended the way it did. When June went by without an offer to stay overnight I thought she’d say yes to 1st week in July when I had to break down and call to ask her she had plans for every weekend. I didn’t even know she was quitting until about 2 weeks before so I figured Eric would never make love to me again. I was so flustered by everything I didn’t have a replacement for her and we didn’t have the money at the time to place an ad in the newspaper so I tried Craigslist. Unfortunately, I only got responses from women in Allegheny County which is too far away. Apparently, I wasn’t very knowledgeable about how to use Craigslist properly but I eventually learned all the in and outs, tips and tricks, and found my perfect Thursday attendant but not before two extremely pricey Tribune ads run over two weeks and dozens of interviews. I was exhausted. Thank God I finally hired Michelle.