Tuesday, January 25, 2011
My sister Mary did made a very generous offer to stay overnight one weekend day a month and care for me so Eric could go fishing, play open stage or just go upstairs and do whatever he wanted while catching up on his sleep as well. She did this from March through June. I had no idea at the time that she would be quitting at the end of summer because of her college schedule or that she some time during her employment with me she began supplementing her income by stealing some of my pain meds and selling them in her trailer park.
So I was really glad to see Eric gathering his fishing gear for first time in 5 years and loading up the van to go night fish just like he used to a thousand times before. My sister was acting really grumpy and didn’t want to be bothered but wanted only to sleep. I thought she understood that I sometimes needed things at night and I was especially anxious because Eric wasn’t here if something went wrong. I think I really exasperated her. It was strange I couldn’t talk to her like we used to when I was able bodied; now it seemed everything I said insulted her in some way and found myself walking on eggshells when she worked. I also started dreading Thursdays and I felt horrible about that. Now I understand, a guilty conscious can do all kinds of things to make a person paranoid and overly sensitive. Although I still longed for the old days when we could talk about any and everything and seemed to be each others’ alter ego.
One good thing came out of Mary’s tenure here however. On a Sundays after three of the four weekend days she stayed overnight, on March 13, 2010, 4 ½ years since Eric and I made love, he actually got into bed with me and we had sex. One time it was almost like making love but the first time I so excited, surprised I thought for sure I’d have an orgasm yet I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he thinking about Nicole or Devie. Because Kristi and I had come across his cell phone one afternoon while cleaning and she showed me how to get into his contacts, recent calls, and texts and I found out he was still talking to Nicole after he told me he had stopped. Of course Devie’s phone number was programmed in there as well. I knew I shouldn’t be invading his privacy that way; it was as bad as looking in his wallet which I firmly believe is a dreadful violation of someone’s confidentiality. It was as if some nameless force was driving me and simply couldn’t help myself. I felt so bad yet was so angry I ended up confronting Eric. He was absolutely livid with me and I can’t blame him not one bit. I couldn’t even discuss my feelings about how much it hurt me to see that he still in touch with Devie. Then to put frosting on the cake one night when while Eric was putting into bed he admitted that he did meet up Nicole a few times at Wal-Mart on his way to do the weekly shopping. It’s been over a year and I STILL can’t stomach riding in the van. All I can think about is the man I want most, need most, love most, in the world humping that fat whore on back seat and it boggles my mind. When I was able bodied we great, mad, passionate, role playing, foreplay for hours, multiple orgasmic, no holds barred sex and tender, passionate, mouth exploring, four handed, slow and long, lovemaking sessions. We were positively fantastic together, I can’t imagine being with another man and before I met Eric I was NOT a one man woman.
Meanwhile, Kristi was having trouble waking me up on Fridays. Eric even tried and couldn’t. He accused me of taking too many meds and over sedating myself. I tried defending myself because I knew what meds I taking because they were premade the night before by the attendant who was working that shift according to my medication list posted on my cabinet to ensure no mistakes. We had no idea at the time that my sister was substituting klonopin ( an anti-anxiety pill that is very sedating) for dilaudid ( a pain medication also an opiate narcotic) so she could take the pain pills with her. They looked very similar and since I only took them in half doses they were cut which made them even harder to tell apart. I could have overdosed or had another lung collapse but she mustn’t have been taking too many at first or I was just extraordinarily lucky. Unless, maybe just maybe my guardian angel never really did fly away those long, long, years ago.