Monday, August 15, 2011
After living in such a sick, toxic and codependent relationship for so long, there was a lot of work that needed done on my damaged sense of self, human relationships and friend and family interaction. I mean my poor little head was shaken up. Plus I had a serious drinking problem, uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks and was in a deep depression. So after leaving school without graduating again, I came home to my mom’s small apartment and went to a local hospital’s mental health outpatient treatment center to see what I could do. I also went back to AA meetings since I’d been in rehab once already and knew what I needed to do to stay sober.
It isn’t an easy thing to work on one’s own character defects, try to heal an almost gone sense of self esteem and regain some kind of self worth after living the kind of life I lived while in Pittsburgh. Spending every extra cent on booze, waking up in the strangest of places not knowing who I was with or where I was at.
But once back at mom’s the healing could begin. I had so much guilt and shame built up inside me it was incredible. I had never really dealt with my feelings about my failed marriage and now I had all that guilt, shame and self hatred to deal with because of my drinking. Can you see how a relationship just wouldn’t have a chance of being satisfying, beneficial or healthy at this point in my life?
(to be continued)