Sunday, August 14, 2011
I threw Bill out but it took moving away to Pittsburgh for me to stop seeing him. He must have had a girl friend before I kicked him to the curb because it wasn’t but a few days before he was shacking up with some other woman. I used to get drunk and at the end of the night and after all my haunts had closed, I’d show up on his doorstep and try to recapture something that was never there to begin with. How sad and futile an action was that? Looking back now, I can see it all so clearly. But when you’re in the middle of it, things are not so brightly lit, black and white, and you find yourself flip-flopping back and forth on your decision to end the madness..
In the end it took me four years to get over Bill. I’m not saying I played that dangerous game of drinking to excess and then having my inhibitions blown away to the point where I’d lower myself to visit him in the middle of the night. I eventually made the decision to move to the city to finish my degree and Billy Jr. made his young 10 year old mind up to stay in the school he had grown up in. Unfortunately, this also meant Billy would be living with his Dad while I went back to college.
Anyway, as I said it took me took years to come to terms with my separation and ultimate divorce. But I can tell you this, the day I stopped hating Bill was the day I stopped loving him. That was the day I was over my ex-husband. And no, I didn’t rush out and try to replace him with any warm body I could hold at night. I realize it’s a frightening prospect to actually live alone. Especially if you’ve always had a somebody in your life. And yes, I had a few boyfriends between Bill and Eric but no one I lived with. I even had a whirlwind affair while married to Bill and certainly felt justified in having it. It was while I working for a pyramid scheme selling the intangible dream of permanent weight loss. I had to go out of state on a training trip and met a married man who fell in love with me and me with him. People say,”Oh,It couldn’t have been love, you only knew each other for a week!” However, there are many kinds of love and we kept in touch by mail and telephone for years afterward. He was ten years my senior and I was all of 23 years old. I recently looked him up on facebook and got his daughter instead who informed me that Shane had died after a battle with cancer. But his daughter had actually heard about me and I wished her well and left her alone. I’ll always have fond memories of Shane.
(to be continued)