Sunday, February 13, 2011

To All The Lovers Out There

        Well, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a day for lovers, old and young, familiar and new, excited and bored. Eric and I had planned to spend Sunday afternoon snuggling and whatever may happen from there for the entire week. I was looking forward to it like a child can’t wait for Christmas morning. But of course come Saturday night and I find a way to screw it up.
        First, I didn’t get off the computer the minute Eric asked me to so strike one. AND I still couldn’t even manage to post because I kept falling asleep every few minutes so I should have just gone to bed early and given Eric an early night to play his guitar and rest up. But NO I thought I could stay awake long enough to get a post on my blog. Where are my priorities?
        Secondly, after Eric had me all tucked in and was ready to say goodnight and go relax for awhile I started complaining about my knee. It was paining pretty bad and I hoping he would check my foot before he left. I don’t know why I was surprised by his reaction which was not very positive. He told me he put in bed perfect and wasn’t about mess things up by checking my foot to see if it was crooked because if it was I caused it by sitting up to smoke. I agreed with him and asked if he’d check it anyway since my leg was throbbing so badly. Needless to say, this led into a huge argument about how I was trying to keep from playing his guitar and if I didn’t stop he wouldn’t check on me later. Long story short, I ended up having a panic attack and asking him to into my room over and over until he was so angry and tired he didn’t play his guitar, said he wasn’t checking on me later, and our romantic Sunday was ruined. I cried myself to sleep.
        Today at 1:00pm I woke Eric up. We had to do my bowel routine and a shower. I got out of bed at 9:00pm. I’m trying desperately to finish this post before he says it’s time for bed. I knew we weren’t going to have our romantic Valentine’s Day afternoon but I ventured to ask anyway which did nothing but get my nose rubbed in shit as if I were a naughty puppy who refused to be housebroken. Eric has never forgiven me  for things I’ve done while still able bodied how will he let me start with a clean slate now? He stopped seeing his therapist citing insurance scam as the reason. But claims I’m not thorough enough with my psychiatrist. I have suggested couples therapy more than once but he’ll have none of it but he’s now seeing the same shrink I am so who knows what’ll happen. Maybe just maybe things will change now that we’re seeing the same doctor…only time will tell.
        Now, to all you lovers out there, have a wonderful, loving, romantic, sexy, fantastic, orgasmic VALENTINE’S DAY!!!  


  1. You deserve a month of couch cuddles, dont be so hard on yourself, i dont see where youve done anything wrong even a bit. Love you and hoping an praying things improve in all the ways you need them to <3

  2. My gosh woman, that guy is just plain abusive. Truly - not physically, but this is the emotional side of domestic violence. And here you are, blaming yourself.

    You don't deserve this. I hope your therapist helps you learn that you don't deserve this.


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