Devotees The End

       I’d like to make something perfectly clear; I am in no way judging my devotee friends and any others that happen to be so inclined. All I’m trying to do is give information to the newly injured SCI victim that they may not have. I feel it’s important for them to be aware of such persons so as not to become victims of stalkers, let down with hopes of a real relationship or leave themselves open for breach of trust regarding personal information including pictures. I’m saying this from personal experience. I got myself in quite deep on Face book so I know what I’m talking about.

       Webster’s dictionary defines a devotee as an “ardent follower, supporter, or enthusiast.” Synonyms given were “addict, buff, bug, fan, fanatic, fancier, fiend, fool, freak, head, hound, junkie, lover, maniac, maven, nut, sucker. This definition of course is a general one but still relevant. After delving even deeper into my research I was appalled to find too many pornographic websites for the devotee to count. However, it’s the social networks that I find the most men interested in me simply because I sit in a wheelchair.

       Personally, I find it so disheartening because I would love to find a male friend to form a friendship with; one that actually has a chance of becoming something more. I already have enough buddies to chat with, ones that aren’t getting a sexual thrill from it. I think it’s unfair. I crave the touch of a lover so much and I’m not getting my jollies at someone else’s expense. I’m just sayin’…

                                      

Devotees Part 2

          Most of the devo friends that I have fall into the category of specifically desiring women confined to wheelchairs. And honestly seem to be polite, soft spoken and thoughtful men. The enigmatic thing about this is these men could never really ask you out; their opinion of you is too high or they are too afraid and shy, fearing a negative reply. So the lonesome quadriplegic is left high and dry despite many, many, romantic overtures and a long alluring friendship. One that ordinarily would progress into a different type of relationship but this one never will.

         Then there are pretenders and wannabes. According to Wikipedia, almost 50 percent of devotees pretend to have the disability they find sexually arousing. I find this very disturbing, considering I would do anything to be cured. Apparently, it stems from some sexual trauma early in their lives. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make me feel any differently about their behavior.

(to be continued)

Devotees

          I’ve been doing some research since I’ve been spending a lot of time on face book I must admit and that’s why I haven’t been posting. But I have been gaining experience with a certain type of person we as the disabled community should become familiar with. They are called Devotees and some of you are already aware and understand them. For the rest of us I will paraphrase and explain in my own words what Wikipedia AND Webster had to say on the subject.

          Devotees. Basically, from what I’ve read, these people are attracted to the disabled. Or in some cases, they want to BE the disabled. I actually knew a young woman who skulked around the forums on the Care Cure Community saying she had an overwhelming premonition that someday she would have a serious SCI and be in a wheelchair. Everyone thought she was creepy and had no problem telling her so. I felt sorry for her but still told her I thought she needed to talk to a psychologist. Wikipedia defines a devotee as In the paraphilia, the attracted ("devotees") are specifically aroused by disabled people, simply because of their disability. The disability may be minor like missing fingers, profound like blindness and (stereotypically) amputation, or quadriplegia. Some devotees desire people with cognitive disabilities⁾

(To be continued)

In a Funk

          I simply haven’t been inspired to write lately. I can’t put my finger on it. Is it because the summer is over and I’m getting the blues? Is it Eric’s defiance when it comes to letting me shoot with another photographer? Is it cabin fever because now that Don is no longer my peer counselor I don’t get out much? Whatever it is, I just can’t formulate an idea.

          Writer’s block they call it, I think it’s more like plain and simple depression. My days are all the same, exactly, day in and day out. I’m so bored!! I’m going out of my mind with the tedium of each monotonous day’s same old routine. If something doesn’t change I swear I’ll lose my mind.

          I would really love to do something with my modeling but with Eric holding me back I don’t know what will happen except I keep getting older and older. I should just have Michelle take videos of me and start a pay website for devos. Why should they be looking at all my photos for free anyway? I don’t think I could ever really do that even if it would make a lot of money.

          Speaking of the men who have a fetish for woman in wheelchairs or with disabilities, my Facebook page is being overwhelmed by friend requests by these guys. I would love to male friend but I can’t weed them out. So I’m stuck with a bunch of men friends that wouldn’t really have the nerve to approach me in person and use the internet to fulfill a fantasy. I must be doing something really wrong.

          Eric is always unhappy with me no matter what I say or do. I don’t see us ever getting back together which leaves a crater in my heart after all this time, everything he’s put me through and everything we’ve been through. That thought leaves my soul aching like an abscessed tooth. I pray to get through this somehow.

                                                               

Bored and Blue

         I’m sooo bored and down in the dumps. It’s been rather chilly which only reminds me that summer is over and I must endure another long, cold and dark Pennsylvania winter. Ever since breaking my neck, I’ve been completely intolerant to the cold. I’m actually not comfortable in a room under 80 degrees. So no more pretty clothes; I’m relegated to wearing sweats for five months. I know what would cheer me up, if Eric would let me do a shoot with a professional photographer.

         Well, I just got finished ordering 100.00 dollars worth of lingerie from a website called Adam and Eve and that cheered me up a little. Hopefully, I can wear it for my next photo shoot. I think I’m slowly wearing Eric down on the issue of letting someone else shoot me when I read him an email I received from a photographer who is only going to be in Pittsburgh two days in October and shoots for magazines. Well, I missed out on that due to his jealousy or over protectiveness or whatever is blocking his ego from letting me go.

         I realize I’m only rambling so until I can write in a more orderly, productive  and concise manner I shall bid you all farewell for now and have a great weekend. Oh, and GO STEELERS!!!  

                                                                       

Visit Me

You should check out my portfolio on model mayhem. There’s a link listed under ‘’ cool sites’’ on the right side of my blog. Once you're on the site, click "browse" and type in my mm name. I really would appreciate the support. My modeling alias is Loria Harrison. If you take the time to read my profile, you will see that I mention how important my blog and its followers are to me. Although I must admit that the reason I haven’t been posting on a regular basis is because I’m often on model mayhem.
       
      The website is not just for models but a place for photographers, stylists, make up artists and retouchers and digital artists. Lots of you could network there.

       I’ve done lots of shoots but Eric won’t let me meet with another photographer to do a photo shoot. He acts as if he’s jealous. But I should be building my portfolio with professional shooters. Eric tries very hard but he just doesn’t know how to use his camera to the fullest nor does he have the time to edit them properly. So I d my best to make the pictures look good and not using shots because I can’t use Photoshop.

       So please show your support and log onto model mayhem. Go to the homepage and look me up. I’d be much obliged. Thank you friends and goodnight.

                                               

Letting Go of Resentments P.S.

        There was something important I left out of ‘’letting go of resentments’’ I’d like to discuss with you now. When we are dealing with deep seated, traumatic and sometimes even repressed resentments, there are usually a lot of mixed emotions attached. However, the one emotion that encompasses many of our feelings is plain and simple anger. Once you start peeling the layers of the onion away under all that pain, fear, sadness, anxiety and angst is pure and simple anger. Before you can let go of these types of resentments you must recognize that you’re angry, identify who it is you are angry with and tell yourself it’s okay to be angry at them.

        Some of us have had more trauma then others but the healing process is still the same. Allow yourself to get mad then do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. Scream, cry, curse, write down everything you feel resentful about that particular person. You’re probably going to have mixed feelings about letting your anger out because the person you hold the resentment against is someone you also loved. But once you get past this step you’re bound to feel better.

        There’s no law that says you have forgive and forget as well. All you really must do come to terms with it, file it under your accomplishments. By coming to terms simply means you can think about that person or situation without so much pain or anger.

Letting Go of Resentments The End

       So try remembering something good about that person. But keep in mind, if the bad out weighs the good you have a problem. Think about the fact that we’re all human with human flaws, weaknesses and defects.

       Try to keep in mind that you yourself are not without flaws. Nobody is perfect and some people are innately more manipulative, controlling and mean. Letting go means understanding your fellow man and woman.

       Try to get on with your own new life separate from the people you resent. Keep yourself immersed in positive activities that are just for you. Keep practicing your positive affirmations and get involved in activities that are good for your self esteem. Like joining a gym, a tanning salon or self help group.

       These are the things I’ve done to help me let go of resentments. One of my biggest philosophies is “what comes around, goes around” and it’s the truth. Even my most hated person in the world, Nicole, got it real good and Eric suffers every day.

       So do yourself the biggest favor you possibly could and let that garbage go. It doesn’t hurt the people you resent, it only hurts you.

Letting Go of Resentments Part 4

I came across a poem I wrote to Eric in which I tried to get him to understand how my upbringing affected my emotional growth. This is it:

      There once was a rosebud

      Precious and new

      That searched for the sunlight

      But found only the gloom

      Even the raindrops

      Were tainted that fell

      Upon her tender leaves

      No blossoms could swell

      So slowly she withered

      Under black clouds that loomed

      Without some ray of light

      She could have never bloomed

      But one day a warm wind

      Blew up from the sky

      And parted the darkness

Before she could die

A single ray of sunshine

Shone down on her face

Her petals soon opened

Like silken pink lace

Under that blazing hope

That had ever slowly healed

 All her inner beauty

To the world was revealed

It was signed: You are my light, I love you I miss you

Your lady,

Lori

Letting Go of Resentments Part 3

        Since he’s been in so much pain he’s been quite hard to live with.. I’ve been desperately trying to break back into modeling, joining a couple of websites to network with photographers and others in the industry. I even spoke to Madonna, my friend I did the fashion show for back in 2009. She told me there’s a big one coming up in May in Virginia Beach I’d like to be a part of. I get the feeling she’s blackmailing me however, to switch my catheter supplies to her friend’s company because she gets a kickback. But I’m going to check into it and if it’s legitimate and they accept my insurance I will switch and receive my supplies from her. Eric doesn’t want me to change companies but it’s ultimately MY decision.

        And no, we haven’t made love it’s been 18 months and I’m starved for physical affection and release. The thought of an affair has crossed my mind more than once but my body image is very poor. I have so many scars from burns it’s literally disgusting not to mention my trach , feeding tube scars and stretch mark scars. If I knew where to go and had the money I’d get a tattoo on my leg to cover the worst of the scars. But none of these physical marks comes close to the emotional scars and these are the ones we have to learn to put to rest. There will be those days too, when things just aren’t going our way and the people in our lives are treating us poorly because they’re in a bad mood or things aren’t going THEIR way when these scars come back to haunt us. There’s always going to be those days when those scars resurface. No matter how well we do letting go of resentments these things never fully go away or just magically disappear. We just must learn to come to terms with our demons. There are tips and tricks to help keep these memories in perspective. We will discuss them next time. Eric is bitching and I must wrap it up for tonight.

(to be continued)

                                                                   

Letting Go of Resentments Part 2

          You don’t have to forgive and forget to let go of resentment. I’ve still never forgiven Eric or Nicole for what they put me through. But I have let go as much as I can of the hatred I feel for Nicole and the backstabbing given me by Eric because of my beliefs. Each of us has type of religious or philosophical belief system. And the first step to letting go of resentment is to pray for the person you harbor the resentment towards. Pray that they receive every blessing that you would like to have. Over time you will find your resentment fading away, especially if you hold to the philosophy I do which is the good old karmic ideal that what comes around goes around and suddenly out of the blue, they get theirs. Well, Nicole got her just desserts and Eric suffers more each passing day. So although I’ll never forgive and forget, I DO feel vindicated. When I think of Nicole being arrested and losing her children and watching Eric suffer for what he has done to my heart and soul.

          I suppose it would be healthier to put it behind me and forgive Eric but if I’m to be perfectly honest with you, my friends, I haven’t been able to do that yet. However, I’m still trying and haven’t given up on the prospect and I won’t until my goal is reached. So at least I’m still working at it. He doesn’t make it easy sometime, either.

(to be continued)

Letting Go of Resentments Part 1

       Letting go of resentments is a painstakingly slow, difficult and emotional process. But it is one that is vital for your psychological healing and must be done sooner rather than later. Remember when I told you that I couldn’t stop loving my ex-husband until I stopped hating him? This was part of letting go of resentment toward him for all the wrongs he did to me and how badly I felt about myself for letting him. Finally giving up the fantasy that if I would have done something differently, I could have changed the outcome of our doomed marriage; at last putting an end to blaming myself for not being pretty enough, sexy enough, a good enough lover, friend, housewife, cook and on and on…for HIS infidelities and drunken drug binges.

       When I began to take care of myself through AA, outpatient mental health therapy and prayer and my own spiritual program based on my beliefs in what I consider God to be, I began to heal. It’s a process that each of you will have to experience for yourself no matter how much I tell you I’ve been there and feel your pain. No one would like it more than I if I could just wave a magical wand and make it all better for all of you suffering through a breakup or trying desperately to “get your head together”.

       All I can do is make suggestions based on my own experiences and I must admit I’ve had many, many experiences. I picked up a dreadful habit while living with my 1^st husband; I became a truly ill, terribly addicted and fully fledged alcoholic by example and years of practice. Thankfully, I haven’t had a drink since alcohol took my sister’s life ten years ago but I drank off and on throughout my relationship with Eric which stunted a beautiful union that could have been epic in its proportions and nearly was despite my disease.

       However, I digress and we must get back on topic; letting go of those resentments that are eating a hole in your heart and soul.

(to be continued)

                                                                              

Living With Yourself Part 3

Negative self talk is something you’ve probably been engaging in since you were a little tot. Let’s say for example you hear your parents arguing about something ridiculous like supper. Your father is yelling at your mother because she made spaghetti and meatballs instead of meat and potatoes. So your mom says well that’s what he/she, meaning you, wanted and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. But your dad’s in bad mood from work or drinking too much or whatever and makes a big deal about it. You say to yourself, “Why did I have to be such a dummy and want spaghetti?” As if you could read minds which my dear friends you cannot! And even if you could what’s wrong with answering your mother when she asks you what you want to eat?

 Stop whatever you are doing, sit down and think. How many times have you put yourself down, called yourself a name or felt guilty over something said or something done that was completely out of your control? Too many times I’m sure. This is called negative self talk and it’s time to unlearn the lifetime habit.

         I must say that this is an ever ongoing process and I still find during those weak moments slipping back into this behavior. But if you just follow a few steps, one thing at a time, first things first, you’ll be okay.

         First, you must recognize when you are saying these things to yourself. Usually, this behavior is deeply ingrained in your psyche you don’t even realize you’re doing it. This is where your friends come in to play. That is if you have friends you can trust with such personal information. Hopefully you have at least one trustworthy friend you can turn to. If not you are pretty much forced to seek out a self help group or professional therapy which I suggest anyway. That’s one heck of a lot of responsibility to heap on your friend alone. The bottom line here is someone’s got to point it out to you whenever you start calling yourself names, putting yourself down or blaming yourself for something you either didn’t have any part in or no control over. The more it’s pointed out to you, the easier it becomes to recognize it. Plus the more often you are doing your positive affirmations (remember those?) the easier it will be to see and hear negativity in your life.

         Then, start working on letting go of your resentments. Harboring hatred or a death wish for someone doesn’t harm them at all but it slowly eats a hole into your soul like cancer.

(to be continued)

                                                                                          

Living With Yourself Part 2

        Alright then, once you’ve found some help that works in dealing with the emotional issues that keep you coming back time and time again to the you that’s psychologically crippled, mentally scrambled and socially paralyzed; for goodness sake keep at it and no matter how difficult it gets, remember how bad it can actually be.

        There are some things you can do each day and make them regular important habits until they are no more unfamiliar than brushing your teeth. They may feel very awkward and uncomfortable at first but keep at it. Each morning upon arising, look in your mirror and say to yourself, speaking aloud, “I am a good person and deserve the best that life has to offer.“ Start with this simple phrase and build upon it. Soon add other self affirmations until you are telling yourself five good things to your mirror image. Soon you this will become a habit, then just another part of your day. Remember there’s no sense telling yourself good things if you’re going to ruin each day by still putting yourself down. So THAT is a habit  you’ll have to break.