Muscle Stim and Meditation Update Part 2

      I can also hold my tummy muscles in which is slightly visible to the naked eye and we finally found chest placement that actually moves my breasts upward and inward! Something that had us stumped for 5 months! While stimming my chest we always stimulate my triceps to try and build the muscle in back of my arm. Even though most of this muscle is paralyzed, there is a tiny bit that still works. We’re desperately trying to “wake up” my triceps muscles so that I can exercise them back to strength. Having working triceps is the difference between my having to use a power chair or a manual chair, being transferred or being able to transfer myself, sit in regular furniture and even take a ride a in car. I’m getting a manual anyway just so I can be more mobile. I haven’t really been looking quite yet, there are a few other items I want to get first.

      I need a new shower chair and I want to use my Accessabilities grant money to buy a walk in hot tub for two. They’re not really made for two but two will fit. I’m hoping to have company in the bath. But back to muscle stimulation. As I mentioned earlier we’ve been stimming the muscles in my legs. So now I can flex my thigh strong enough for someone else to feel it. I can also move my feet a little and I attribute that to electrical stimulation of my lower legs and calves. I’m also looking for a new, stronger muscle stimulator called a “matrix”. They are quite expensive but I keep my eyes open on ebay and other sites.

(To be continued)

Muscle Stim and Meditation Update

      I thought I’d give you an update on my daily muscle stimulation and nightly muscle meditation since I’m gaining more and more movement as time goes by. Now, instead of just a slight movement of my big toe, I can spread my toes open and wiggle that big toe side to side or up and down. I can even move my foot a little now. I also can visibly flex the muscles in my buttocks and hold my sphincter closed when I have to move my bowels and I’m waiting for Eric to put me on the potty chair.

      We’re still doing the same muscle stimming routine except we’ve added my arms and legs into the rotation. We started the new rotation shortly after the last time I posted about this which was about 6 months ago. We also had to alter the placement of the pads as my muscles tightened. I have attached photos so you can see the difference in my muscles.

(to be continued)

                                                                          

A Prayer for Eric

Eric’s neuropathy has been so bad, so painful and so swollen that it took him 5:00am to get me tucked into bed yesterday and Michelle couldn’t even get me out of bed until 4:00pm. I asked her to shave me but it never takes her longer than 1 ½ hours, so I don’t know what on God’s green earth could have taken her so long. It seems like every time I fall asleep my employees milk the clock. I can understand Kristi doing it, she’s not my close friend, but not Michelle. I just wonder what she was doing for SIX hours while I dozed off and on. I had my bowel routine today but was finished and back in bed by 12:30 noon. Plus I was already halfway shaved. So basically it tok her 3 hours to finish shaving me, put on my moisturizer, take care f my catheter and dress me.

Enough of my complaining, the purpose of this post is t ask for prayers for Eric and his health and pain. The pain has been so severe he’s talking about suicide daily. Yesterday he cried out in agony for four hours straight. The guilt and empathy I felt for him was overwhelming and nerve racking. I had to take an extra tranquilizer just to keep it together. So please say a prayer for Eric tonight. Thank you, my friends.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                

Photo Shoots

       We’ve been shooting pictures like crazy. Did a photo shoot with a photographer from Huntingdon, PA. His name was John Biddle and I dressed up like a Steelers cheerleader. John was very nice and easy to work with. He took about 150 shots and I found 10 I liked. I’m still waiting for the edited pictures.

       Then Eric and I and the girls did a shoot in white lingerie. 172 photos of great shots that people on model mayhem are turning their noses up at, simply because the pictures aren’t signed or edited. Perhaps if I had big round fake breasts I would have got a better response. At any rate, I gave a bunch to Eric to edit and sign. Maybe he’ll get a little more respect after that.

       I realize I’m being a tad bit sarcastic but I’ve been working my butt off to try and make it before I’m too old. I should just give it up and start my own website with only handicapped girls. I would make a killing! But no, I’m trying not to stoop to that level. So it’s back to the drawing board. I have a shoot on Monday with another photographer and I need to be ready and I don’t know what to do yet.  Well, tomorrow we’re putting our heads together for some ideas.

Reasons for Not Posting

       I’ve been spending all my time on a modeling website getting my portfolio together and networking with all sorts of people in the industry. That’s the main reason why I haven’t been posting. So I decided I should tell you all something about the website itself.

       I found the site while registering with roll models, a site for disabled models, actors, musicians and performers. It’s called Model Mayhem and now that I’m registered I’m building a professional portfolio to take and send to prospective clients. At my age, I only have a few more years in which to sell my wares. I could make a killing starting an off color website directed at devotees and have actually thought about it. With the economy the way it is I’m sure a lot of us have considered this.

       I’m thinking about closing down my face book account again. I can’t see posting all my pictures there for free when I could be selling them. Just like these models who pose nude on model mayhem in their portfolios. I think it’s stupid because anyone can come along and copy that picture and save it to their hard drive. When I do my lingerie and implied nude shoots, I’m having Eric shoot them and I won’t post them anywhere but on my own website.

       So that’s where I’ve been instead of posting, plus I have face book, twitter, four email accounts and photomodelnetwork. Though, none of it is more important than this blog and I apologize for letting it go. I’ll be back on track before you know it. Until then, I will write something at least every other day. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

                                                                             

My Birthday Present

My birthday is coming up AGAIN and boy is it true what gram used say,” The older you get, the faster time seems slip away…”. It seems as though I just had a birthday yesterday and here comes yet another year to add to my life. This year, however, I will finally be turning 40; a birthday year I’ve dreaded since turning 30. Being a model is a young woman’s game and it makes it that much more competitive. I feel more handicapped by my age than I do by from quadriplegia. I am getting a special gift though, a Rottweiler puppy or a tabby kitten, whichever I chose it will thrill me beyond belief. I will probably get a kitten because one of my two remaining cats, 12 year old Bilbo, is deathly afraid of dogs. One time, my sister came out for a visit with her young son and Labrador years before I became hurt. Well, Bilbo caught one look at that dog and climbed up a tree so far Eric had to get him down by climbing a ladder and rescuing him AFTER the dog went home with my sister! Hopefully he’ll take to a new kitten because I think that’s what I’m going to chose. I lost my dear Cochese, my 15 year old tabby, to a wasting illness last year and I’ve missed him so much.

                                                                             

Internet Safety Online Dating Cites

So that’s when we’re tempted to try internet dating; at least I was. There are literally hundreds of thousands of sites, ready and willing to sign you up immediately. Promising to find you that perfect match, your long lost friend and soul mate. Of course it’s all free until a couple weeks later when you are asked for the membership fee. AFTER you’ve filled out the ten page questionnaire designed to match with the right mate, given ALL your personal information, including a bio, and uploaded at least one picture. Then you’re free to scan the website for potential partners.

       Some sites are generic, they’ll find you that one and only and others are specialized, Christian sites, naughty sites, sites for the handicapped. There are also messages, kisses, nudges, winks, hearts and a plethora of nonsensical and non verbal ways of communicating your interest in someone. It seems like a huge waste of time if you are not going to directly contact and talk to someone. Perhaps I just had bad experiences. Of course I never paid for a “full” membership, so I never got the little perks. Every time I tried to write a serious message, I’d get a “kiss” reply or some other non personal response.

       And the junk mail and notifications! I had literally hundreds of these and I don’t know about you but I get enough junk email. I guess everyone’s experience could be different and I have no idea what type of experience you’d have if you paid but I can’t see it being much different. Once again you must be careful with virus and adware. You’d better be certain of your antivirus program and perform regular maintenance on your computer. When it comes down to brass tacks the decision is yours but in my experience it’s a huge waste of time, a danger to your personal information and to your computer.

                                                                               

Internet Safety Part 2 Internet Dating

I know from personal experience the down side and dangers of internet dating web sites. I suppose everyone who is single, divorced or otherwise unencumbered, gets lonely. And when they do they would probably go out to club or a party and try to meet someone. Now I’m not saying that just because we’re disabled we can’t go out, it’s just a little more difficult for some of us due to the fact that we can’t drive anymore. Some of us are completely dependent on someone else to drive us around which not only makes things harder getting out but makes them awkward once out. Some of us actually need to be escorted by an attendant, depending on the severity of our disability. How awkward is that?

a.  My injury is C-6 incomplete and my hands are paralyzed. That’s the biggest inconvenience when you’re trying to get close to someone; it’s difficult to even hold someone’s hand and I need help feeding myself. Another embarrassing situation I have to contend with when thinking about dating. I certainly would need a understanding date and I wouldn’t necessarily want to go out with a devotee, that is if I could get him to go in the first place. So I hope you understand my, other’s and maybe your own dilemma.

(to be continued)

Internet Safety Facebook The End

Face book seems pretty innocent, a great way to look up old friends and a surprisingly easy way to find new friends. It’s a good way to network, advertise and post links to ANYTHING. So let’s say, for example, you write a blog. Face book is a wonderful avenue for getting the word out. This is the reason I, after deleting my 1^st account after having soo many personal problems, decided to open a new account. I decided from the start to have no more than 30 friends who actually read my blog and stayed in touch with me. I now have over 70 and only about 10 give me the time of day!

      Some people get so hooked they spend hours and hours on Face book every day; scanning You tube for joke, news, music and bizarre videos to upload to their page or the newsfeed so everyone can see them and comment on them. I know mothers who neglect their children, men who let their jobs suffer and children who break into their parents’ bank accounts because Face book has become more than a hobby or a tool. Some folks have turned their Face book life into something more important to them then their actual real lives. These people can actually start caring more about their internet families and friends than their own families. They are on face book on their phones or i Pods when away from their home computers. I have a friend who enjoys facebook so much she does this.

      When you’ve reached this point you have far surpassed a ordinary Face book user; you my friend have a serious addiction. Then there’s the “friend collector”. I’m sure you’ve been on your Face book page answering a friend request and seen the users with thousands of friends. 3000 friends; How in God’s name can you possibly keep in touch with that many people? Do these individuals have such a low self esteem that they need thousands of imaginary friends? At this point I believe a therapist is in order.

      In short, if you find you have a Face book addiction, please get help. A good psychologist can point you in the right direction. If any part of your “real” life is suffering because of your use; this is a signal that you have a problem. The first step to getting help is admitting it. I wish you luck and only good things.

(next internet dating sites)

                                                                                

Internet Safety Part 1 Facebook

       The internet can be a fantastic tool, a window into anywhere in the world and great way to access information and research anything you can think of. But it can also be a trap and an addiction if used too often or for the wrong reasons. People spend hours on face book, in chat rooms and shopping for things they just don’t need and can’t afford.

       Some people get involved in things that become addictions and end up hurting them and their families. Like gambling, pornography or theses “free” dating sites that promise them their perfect match” or “soul mate” that will make them happy the rest of their lives. These sites are of particular interest and worry to me because we as disabled people sometimes find it hard to get out in social situations to meet people and if we are looking to date then they can be rather appealing. I myself have been sucked into more than one of these sites. It was there and on Face book that I have met all of my devotees. Sadly, I never met a man that was interested in me for my personality on the internet; I suppose it is possible, however, since nothing is impossible.

       That’s why I decided to post something about safe internet practice. Not only are there all kinds of mischief to mixed up in but there are nasty viruses and worms that can wipe out your entire hard drive. Imagine every photo, song, document, and slideshow wiped out forever and you left sitting there staring at “the blue screen of death” or worse yet, nothing but a DOS prompt? That paints quite a picture doesn’t it?

       There are a few major offenders and the first and probably best known is Face book. Despite their claims of being a safe and private social network, their games and applications all come with what’s called data miners. These data miners are tiny programs, actually subroutines, that bypass your antivirus and collect personal information about your likes and dislikes, shopping habits, and sometimes rarely if used illegally, to actually gather information such as your credit card number and social security number. They are mostly used to target you for spam. These can also fall under the category of adware. This is why it so important to download a program called “ad-aware” and run this program periodically on your computer before shutting down. Be certain it comes with Lava soft, that’s how you know it’s the real thing. It will remove these data miners and any adware your system has been collecting.  That’s one of the computer related problems with face book. Next I will discuss the psychological aspects of face book addiction.     

(to be continued)

                                                                     

Devotees The End

       I’d like to make something perfectly clear; I am in no way judging my devotee friends and any others that happen to be so inclined. All I’m trying to do is give information to the newly injured SCI victim that they may not have. I feel it’s important for them to be aware of such persons so as not to become victims of stalkers, let down with hopes of a real relationship or leave themselves open for breach of trust regarding personal information including pictures. I’m saying this from personal experience. I got myself in quite deep on Face book so I know what I’m talking about.

       Webster’s dictionary defines a devotee as an “ardent follower, supporter, or enthusiast.” Synonyms given were “addict, buff, bug, fan, fanatic, fancier, fiend, fool, freak, head, hound, junkie, lover, maniac, maven, nut, sucker. This definition of course is a general one but still relevant. After delving even deeper into my research I was appalled to find too many pornographic websites for the devotee to count. However, it’s the social networks that I find the most men interested in me simply because I sit in a wheelchair.

       Personally, I find it so disheartening because I would love to find a male friend to form a friendship with; one that actually has a chance of becoming something more. I already have enough buddies to chat with, ones that aren’t getting a sexual thrill from it. I think it’s unfair. I crave the touch of a lover so much and I’m not getting my jollies at someone else’s expense. I’m just sayin’…

                                      

Devotees Part 2

          Most of the devo friends that I have fall into the category of specifically desiring women confined to wheelchairs. And honestly seem to be polite, soft spoken and thoughtful men. The enigmatic thing about this is these men could never really ask you out; their opinion of you is too high or they are too afraid and shy, fearing a negative reply. So the lonesome quadriplegic is left high and dry despite many, many, romantic overtures and a long alluring friendship. One that ordinarily would progress into a different type of relationship but this one never will.

         Then there are pretenders and wannabes. According to Wikipedia, almost 50 percent of devotees pretend to have the disability they find sexually arousing. I find this very disturbing, considering I would do anything to be cured. Apparently, it stems from some sexual trauma early in their lives. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make me feel any differently about their behavior.

(to be continued)

Devotees

          I’ve been doing some research since I’ve been spending a lot of time on face book I must admit and that’s why I haven’t been posting. But I have been gaining experience with a certain type of person we as the disabled community should become familiar with. They are called Devotees and some of you are already aware and understand them. For the rest of us I will paraphrase and explain in my own words what Wikipedia AND Webster had to say on the subject.

          Devotees. Basically, from what I’ve read, these people are attracted to the disabled. Or in some cases, they want to BE the disabled. I actually knew a young woman who skulked around the forums on the Care Cure Community saying she had an overwhelming premonition that someday she would have a serious SCI and be in a wheelchair. Everyone thought she was creepy and had no problem telling her so. I felt sorry for her but still told her I thought she needed to talk to a psychologist. Wikipedia defines a devotee as In the paraphilia, the attracted ("devotees") are specifically aroused by disabled people, simply because of their disability. The disability may be minor like missing fingers, profound like blindness and (stereotypically) amputation, or quadriplegia. Some devotees desire people with cognitive disabilities⁾

(To be continued)

In a Funk

          I simply haven’t been inspired to write lately. I can’t put my finger on it. Is it because the summer is over and I’m getting the blues? Is it Eric’s defiance when it comes to letting me shoot with another photographer? Is it cabin fever because now that Don is no longer my peer counselor I don’t get out much? Whatever it is, I just can’t formulate an idea.

          Writer’s block they call it, I think it’s more like plain and simple depression. My days are all the same, exactly, day in and day out. I’m so bored!! I’m going out of my mind with the tedium of each monotonous day’s same old routine. If something doesn’t change I swear I’ll lose my mind.

          I would really love to do something with my modeling but with Eric holding me back I don’t know what will happen except I keep getting older and older. I should just have Michelle take videos of me and start a pay website for devos. Why should they be looking at all my photos for free anyway? I don’t think I could ever really do that even if it would make a lot of money.

          Speaking of the men who have a fetish for woman in wheelchairs or with disabilities, my Facebook page is being overwhelmed by friend requests by these guys. I would love to male friend but I can’t weed them out. So I’m stuck with a bunch of men friends that wouldn’t really have the nerve to approach me in person and use the internet to fulfill a fantasy. I must be doing something really wrong.

          Eric is always unhappy with me no matter what I say or do. I don’t see us ever getting back together which leaves a crater in my heart after all this time, everything he’s put me through and everything we’ve been through. That thought leaves my soul aching like an abscessed tooth. I pray to get through this somehow.

                                                               

Bored and Blue

         I’m sooo bored and down in the dumps. It’s been rather chilly which only reminds me that summer is over and I must endure another long, cold and dark Pennsylvania winter. Ever since breaking my neck, I’ve been completely intolerant to the cold. I’m actually not comfortable in a room under 80 degrees. So no more pretty clothes; I’m relegated to wearing sweats for five months. I know what would cheer me up, if Eric would let me do a shoot with a professional photographer.

         Well, I just got finished ordering 100.00 dollars worth of lingerie from a website called Adam and Eve and that cheered me up a little. Hopefully, I can wear it for my next photo shoot. I think I’m slowly wearing Eric down on the issue of letting someone else shoot me when I read him an email I received from a photographer who is only going to be in Pittsburgh two days in October and shoots for magazines. Well, I missed out on that due to his jealousy or over protectiveness or whatever is blocking his ego from letting me go.

         I realize I’m only rambling so until I can write in a more orderly, productive  and concise manner I shall bid you all farewell for now and have a great weekend. Oh, and GO STEELERS!!!  

                                                                       

Visit Me

You should check out my portfolio on model mayhem. There’s a link listed under ‘’ cool sites’’ on the right side of my blog. Once you're on the site, click "browse" and type in my mm name. I really would appreciate the support. My modeling alias is Loria Harrison. If you take the time to read my profile, you will see that I mention how important my blog and its followers are to me. Although I must admit that the reason I haven’t been posting on a regular basis is because I’m often on model mayhem.
       
      The website is not just for models but a place for photographers, stylists, make up artists and retouchers and digital artists. Lots of you could network there.

       I’ve done lots of shoots but Eric won’t let me meet with another photographer to do a photo shoot. He acts as if he’s jealous. But I should be building my portfolio with professional shooters. Eric tries very hard but he just doesn’t know how to use his camera to the fullest nor does he have the time to edit them properly. So I d my best to make the pictures look good and not using shots because I can’t use Photoshop.

       So please show your support and log onto model mayhem. Go to the homepage and look me up. I’d be much obliged. Thank you friends and goodnight.

                                               

Letting Go of Resentments P.S.

        There was something important I left out of ‘’letting go of resentments’’ I’d like to discuss with you now. When we are dealing with deep seated, traumatic and sometimes even repressed resentments, there are usually a lot of mixed emotions attached. However, the one emotion that encompasses many of our feelings is plain and simple anger. Once you start peeling the layers of the onion away under all that pain, fear, sadness, anxiety and angst is pure and simple anger. Before you can let go of these types of resentments you must recognize that you’re angry, identify who it is you are angry with and tell yourself it’s okay to be angry at them.

        Some of us have had more trauma then others but the healing process is still the same. Allow yourself to get mad then do whatever it takes to get it out of your system. Scream, cry, curse, write down everything you feel resentful about that particular person. You’re probably going to have mixed feelings about letting your anger out because the person you hold the resentment against is someone you also loved. But once you get past this step you’re bound to feel better.

        There’s no law that says you have forgive and forget as well. All you really must do come to terms with it, file it under your accomplishments. By coming to terms simply means you can think about that person or situation without so much pain or anger.

Letting Go of Resentments The End

       So try remembering something good about that person. But keep in mind, if the bad out weighs the good you have a problem. Think about the fact that we’re all human with human flaws, weaknesses and defects.

       Try to keep in mind that you yourself are not without flaws. Nobody is perfect and some people are innately more manipulative, controlling and mean. Letting go means understanding your fellow man and woman.

       Try to get on with your own new life separate from the people you resent. Keep yourself immersed in positive activities that are just for you. Keep practicing your positive affirmations and get involved in activities that are good for your self esteem. Like joining a gym, a tanning salon or self help group.

       These are the things I’ve done to help me let go of resentments. One of my biggest philosophies is “what comes around, goes around” and it’s the truth. Even my most hated person in the world, Nicole, got it real good and Eric suffers every day.

       So do yourself the biggest favor you possibly could and let that garbage go. It doesn’t hurt the people you resent, it only hurts you.

Letting Go of Resentments Part 4

I came across a poem I wrote to Eric in which I tried to get him to understand how my upbringing affected my emotional growth. This is it:

      There once was a rosebud

      Precious and new

      That searched for the sunlight

      But found only the gloom

      Even the raindrops

      Were tainted that fell

      Upon her tender leaves

      No blossoms could swell

      So slowly she withered

      Under black clouds that loomed

      Without some ray of light

      She could have never bloomed

      But one day a warm wind

      Blew up from the sky

      And parted the darkness

Before she could die

A single ray of sunshine

Shone down on her face

Her petals soon opened

Like silken pink lace

Under that blazing hope

That had ever slowly healed

 All her inner beauty

To the world was revealed

It was signed: You are my light, I love you I miss you

Your lady,

Lori

Letting Go of Resentments Part 3

        Since he’s been in so much pain he’s been quite hard to live with.. I’ve been desperately trying to break back into modeling, joining a couple of websites to network with photographers and others in the industry. I even spoke to Madonna, my friend I did the fashion show for back in 2009. She told me there’s a big one coming up in May in Virginia Beach I’d like to be a part of. I get the feeling she’s blackmailing me however, to switch my catheter supplies to her friend’s company because she gets a kickback. But I’m going to check into it and if it’s legitimate and they accept my insurance I will switch and receive my supplies from her. Eric doesn’t want me to change companies but it’s ultimately MY decision.

        And no, we haven’t made love it’s been 18 months and I’m starved for physical affection and release. The thought of an affair has crossed my mind more than once but my body image is very poor. I have so many scars from burns it’s literally disgusting not to mention my trach , feeding tube scars and stretch mark scars. If I knew where to go and had the money I’d get a tattoo on my leg to cover the worst of the scars. But none of these physical marks comes close to the emotional scars and these are the ones we have to learn to put to rest. There will be those days too, when things just aren’t going our way and the people in our lives are treating us poorly because they’re in a bad mood or things aren’t going THEIR way when these scars come back to haunt us. There’s always going to be those days when those scars resurface. No matter how well we do letting go of resentments these things never fully go away or just magically disappear. We just must learn to come to terms with our demons. There are tips and tricks to help keep these memories in perspective. We will discuss them next time. Eric is bitching and I must wrap it up for tonight.

(to be continued)

                                                                   

Letting Go of Resentments Part 2

          You don’t have to forgive and forget to let go of resentment. I’ve still never forgiven Eric or Nicole for what they put me through. But I have let go as much as I can of the hatred I feel for Nicole and the backstabbing given me by Eric because of my beliefs. Each of us has type of religious or philosophical belief system. And the first step to letting go of resentment is to pray for the person you harbor the resentment towards. Pray that they receive every blessing that you would like to have. Over time you will find your resentment fading away, especially if you hold to the philosophy I do which is the good old karmic ideal that what comes around goes around and suddenly out of the blue, they get theirs. Well, Nicole got her just desserts and Eric suffers more each passing day. So although I’ll never forgive and forget, I DO feel vindicated. When I think of Nicole being arrested and losing her children and watching Eric suffer for what he has done to my heart and soul.

          I suppose it would be healthier to put it behind me and forgive Eric but if I’m to be perfectly honest with you, my friends, I haven’t been able to do that yet. However, I’m still trying and haven’t given up on the prospect and I won’t until my goal is reached. So at least I’m still working at it. He doesn’t make it easy sometime, either.

(to be continued)