Childhood Trauma Part 5

The most tragic result of what happens as a result of childhood trauma is the abused or neglected child becomes an abuser him or herself. A vicious cycle is now in place, a new family tradition. Sometimes this goes on for generations and becomes so ingrained it seems normal to them.  

          I know a family who lives nearby where there the father raped his own daughter and got her pregnant. She gave birth to her in son but always called him and treated him like a brother because her mother stepped in and insisted. He grew up to be a child molester and she went insane. They wander around the neighborhood trying to make friends with people but they are stigmatized by their past and choices in life. Choices certainly made as a direct result of their horrendous childhoods.

          Now granted, these two stories are definitely not the norm but if you really think about it many people have suffered some type of childhood trauma and must resolve it no matter how late in life.

          I’ve already discussed keeping a journal, writing you’re your story and expressing all your feelings on paper. But this is not enough. You must share this painful information with a professional, a group set up just for this type thing or a trusted friend. The worst thing we can do is keep this information buried even if we were conditioned to do so. I had to do it even though it took me 30 years and finally I was able to begin healing. It took a long time and lot of work and I think it depends on what kind trauma, how long it lasts and the type of personality you have to begin with. But no one is superman or wonder woman and we all need help getting past these personal hells. Good luck to all who must take this step.

Childhood Trauma Part 4

Maybe you are perfectly happy and satisfied with your life and somehow you were able to put your childhood trauma behind you. If so, you are one of the few individuals who was able to get through it with sheer determination to do so.

         Some grow up having been conditioned to never talk about it. I know a woman who was brutally sexually abused by her step father and mercilessly beaten and terribly psychologically abused by her step mother. Her half sister who briefly befriended her ended up turning on her as well. After this poor girl was being forced into unspeakable sexual acts, which often included her brother, since age 12, her half sister finally found out and was mortified. Thinking she was helping her adopted sister, she told her mother what was happening. The woman’s mother blamed the helpless teenager and took to calling her “the little whore”. This traumatized woman left home as soon as she graduated high school and married a violent, angry man who beat her and further stripped her of what little self esteem she had left. She is now living with a former heroine abuser who has been in a methadone clinic for almost 10 years and has hepatitis C. a deadly liver virus that IS sexually transmitted. This man does not work, controls her every movement, is extraordinarily self centered and selfish and she works 52 hours a week to support them. How much self esteem, worth, image and confidence can she possibly have to put herself in these types of relations?  

(to be continued)

Childhood Trauma Part 3

        I have kept a diary since I was 13 years old when my mother bought me one those little locking diaries that didn’t really work. After I finally found out, much to my dismay, that she had been reading it, I booby trapped it and wrote everything in code. But being so young and naïve I had no idea that just taking out the vowels of each word was not enough until my younger sister, who also enjoyed breaking into it, told me it was simple to figure out what I was writing. It was just another violation to me by the people I trusted and loved the most.

        However, for some reason it didn’t sway me from journaling and kept writing and still do. So I know 1^st hand it helps you deal with and resolve your issues.

        Perhaps you don’t suffer from panic or anxiety. Maybe your personality took a turn in another direction. You could be a the over achiever, the perfectionist always striving for a better career, a better car, a better house, and feel like nothing is wrong is with your life. You rose above it all, put it all behind you and became a successful, productive member of society. You married an upstanding individual, had a couple of children  and work is your life. But are you happy?

(to be continued)

Hospitalized

         I’m sorry I haven’t been on in awhile but I’ve been very ill. I had a temperature of 103 degrees, blood pressure of 70/40 and pulse of 153. I had it 83 degrees in my room, was wearing my warm pajamas, shivering and shaking uncontrolabllly and was still so cold it was if I was out in 10 below weather. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. I had unexplained blood poisoning. I’m home now but still not myself. I can’t keep my bp up without medication and I’m nauseated after I eat. I’m worried about my health.

         So please forgive my short post and how late it is. I will tell you things have settled down somewhat around here although there is still cause for concern and worry. But if I can keep close watch things, especially Eric, and exercise some self control, I may be able get to through this unscathed…we’ll see.

         I don’t know if I told you I got new a kitty! His name is Frodo and he is a 10 week old tabby with wonderful playful, affection and rambunctious personality. When my Cochise, my 16 year old year tabby died 1 ½ ago, I never thought I’d get over it and it took me this long to replace him. My 2 other boys are pretty upset though. 12 year Bilbo and 10 year old Jasper absolutely won’t accept him yet and we’ve had him for 2 weeks now. Oh well, hopefully they’ll eventually warm up to him.

         Well friends, I’m still feeling under the weather so I’m gonna go but I promise to talk to you sooner than I have been. You all have a goodnight and good day!

                                                                             

Guilt

I’m sorry to break away from the subject at hand but I’m very depressed. I wish I could come right out and tell you what is bothering me so profoundly but I can’t bring myself to do that just yet. Let’s just say I’m feeling so trapped in a situation that causes me so much guilt and fear my stomach is constantly filled with remorseful nausea. It’s something that Eric decided to do and now I’m inevitably caught up in it.

       His justifications all seem sound and his methods are impeccable. But the bottom line is that the act in and of itself is so distasteful it’s causing me tremendous grief. I don’t know what to do because as right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. The only time I feel good about it is immediately after the act itself. Even then I begin to worry about the “what if’s”. I don’t want to be a part of it but this month I’m pretty much forced to. I can’t wait until things are back to normal. That won’t be for about 2 weeks.

       After that I have choice to make. Hopefully, I make the right one.