When you are small and young say preteen, you didn’t want to be on the shit list because my mother was not much of a paddler when it came to discipline. She didn’t need to be. She always said she could cut someone to the quick using just a word and she proved it when we did or said something she disagreed with or found to be in bad taste. She would fill us with so much shame and we would then feel so guilt ridden and repentant that we never wanted to displease her again. Unless we really did something out of line or dangerous we really didn’t have too much to worry about since my older half brother Jimmy and older half sister Cathy usually were neck and neck in the race to see who could upset her the most.
As my younger sister Mary and I got into our teens it seemed the only way to get any real attention in the family was to be on the shit list. So as you can see we got some real mixed signals growing up. We all married alcoholic men just like our fathers’ except Cathy who never married anyone but a bottle of booze. Unfortunately, my favorite sister died of heart failure as a direct result of her alcoholism. She only lived 45 years on this planet which was not enough. And my brother never married because drugs ruined his mind and he was diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic at age 27 when he was so violent we had to have him removed from the house by the police and admitted to Torrance State Hospital for the mentally insane.
(To be continued)
Well I tend to not write to these kind of things. However, I feel the need to share a few of my opinions. I have opinions about a few points, so I will number them as I go.
ReplyDelete1. About your son. It is obvious he is a junkie, and he is using your love for him to make you feel guilt so that he can get what he wants. He needs to hit bottom, as long as you or others bail him out he will continue with the same actions. I understand he is your son, you love him and want to help him, however addicts can't be helped unless they want the help. It may be better for you if you make it clear you will be there for him for emotional support though not financial support. He will call you names, say you don't love him, and well pretty much say or do anything to get his way. You need to be strong and stand up for yourself. You need to help yourself, focus on yourself.
Now to move on to the second thing.
2. This will be about Eric. There will be some things here that will upset you, or make you angry. First, from reading your blog, it seems he is not happy, nor does it seem he wishes to be with you anymore. Lets look at what you said about getting a new, larger bed so the two of you can sleep together again. His excuse was that he didn't want to be seen in bed, and woken up by your workers. Why not change some hours around, make it so you have a worker come in for half the night shift, to leave when the two of you go to bed. Have Eric be in charge of getting you up, and ready between 9am to 11am. At which time you can have your normal workers come in. This way, he won't have to worry about being seen. Though in truth this sounds like an excuse on his part. It seems from reading your post that Eric is not happy, and that he wants to leave. However, he won't do so due to a few possible reasons. First, it can be he feels guilty/like shit if he were to leave, due to your situation. Being he was with you before your accident, he may feel people will judge him for leaving you when you are in need of constant care. Maybe he wants to leave, yet feels he has no where to go. How can he claim to love you, yet based on your blog he seems to make a lot of excuses for not doing what one would expect a boyfriend to do. You mention he never sleeps with you. This can be due to a few reasons, maybe he is getting it somewhere else. Maybe he is using internet porn to pleasure himself. Maybe being a caretaker for you, causes him to see you in another way. Maybe he does not know how to tell you. Maybe he loves you enough that he wishes to not hurt you. However, if he is not happy, it means you won't be happy. In the end all that can come of it is heart ache for the both of you.
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ReplyDeleteNow we move on to the next thing.
3. Having read through your blog, it seems to me that you too are an addict. I am one myself, so we know one when we see one. It seems you are quick to judge others for the same things you yourself do. I understand you may have pain. As well as social issues which require you to take pain meds and meds like Xanax. Now in my experience, both of those, well any that fall in those areas are quite easy to get hooked on. They also do a good job of bringing the worse out in people. I seen from your blog you have had issues in the past with workers stealing your meds. However, it seems your current workers are not doing so. Though I got from one of the blog posts that at one point your son was stealing you meds, yet you accused your workers. Xanax causes memory loss. It also makes you say and do things you would not do under normal days. I don't know much about you, just what I gather from reading this blog. Yet it seems you, Eric, and your son all suffer from addiction. A bad living situation.
Well that's all I can write for now, though I am going to say a few things more about Eric. Ask him right out if he is happy.Have him look into your eyes and see if his eyes can convince you he is telling the truth. People are mean, they are also willing to remain in relationships that they are not happy in due to a number of reasons. Maybe he feels guilty for wanting to leave. Maybe he has no where to go, so he stays with you while not in love with you. Thus his lack of physical contact with you. Tell him if he is not happy to go. You are only setting yourself up for more heart ache and pain long term by pretending things are going to change. At any rate, just a few things to think about. I apologize if I upset or offended you, but I felt the need to share with you a view point of a fellow addict/man. Hope all works out in the end for you. And hope you find the joy & happiness you deserve. Look inside for that joy, for you can't get it from a person who does not want to be that for you.