Networking

I’ve been networking like crazy to try and jump start my modeling career. After finally remembering to register with Roll Models, I came across a disabled model, writer, and advocate who runs her own website where models, photographers, makeup artists, hair stylists and producers can join and hook up with each other to find work and work together ect. It’s called Model Mayhem and I added a link to my favorite websites if you want to check it out.

       The summer is going by so quickly. It seems the older you get the faster time goes by. Gone are the summers of my youth when each new day seemed to go on forever and time almost stood still. It makes me think of the days I laid on the dirty rug our front porch with my oldest sister Linda and she would ask me what age I’d like to be if I could be any age. And I answered I’d be the age I am right now sissy, nine years old, it seems like the perfect age to me.

       Alas, we can’t go backward in time but we can treasure those memories and in doing so be less inclined to waste time worrying, procrastinating, bickering and resenting. Eric bought me an outdoor chaise lounge just so I can lay on my belly and get my back tanned. When he makes these gestures it shows his love for me and in his next breath he may be ruing the day he met me. I don’t know what will become of our relationship; I just hope it gets better and closer. I’m a very lonely woman.

       I’m doing a photo shoot on Friday with Kristi as my makeup, hair and stylist and Michelle for consultation and Sharlene to help clean up. Since I’ve been stimulating my muscles, my body shape has changed back to more like it was before I got hurt. We will probably do some photos on my belly since my buttocks are one of the most affected areas and I’d like to see the improvement for myself. Then I will post the best shots on Model Mayhem as part of my portfolio.

       I’ve been busy advertising my blog to the newly injured on facebook as well. It feels as though I’m on the computer every waking moment of my life. I’m behind in all other areas especially making phone calls. I must do that tomorrow BEFORE getting sucked into something else. So if you can help me by telling an SCI victim about my blog I’d greatly appreciate it.

       Another way Eric and I want to help the newly injured SCI victim with a limited or fixed income is we are starting a program for getting a refurbished handicapped accessible laptop into their possession for little or no cost. We are calling the project “DisabiliKeys” and I am currently working on an application for approval into the program. Also, Eric will have a side project for repairing and/or updating computers and laptops for all the disabled at discounted rates. More on this soon.

                                                                                 

Busy is Better I Suppose

        I apologize for not writing as regularly and as frequently lately but I’ve been fervently networking with model agencies and fashion designers for the disabled trying to find some modeling work.  I feel  it would help to boost my wounded psyche from a long, lonely and anxiety ridden year.

        I found a pretty cool website while looking through my Roll Models profile and competition. It’s called model mayhem and I submitted my profile and portfolio last night. It’s run by a woman who may have a disability and I say this with skepticism only because she makes it a point NOT to ask questions about her disability, why would she sit in a wheelchair if she had a choice? I’m thinking she may have MS but I certainly can’t know for sure only guess and she probably get’s off on that.

         I also wrote some long overdue emails, printed some new stim placement pics, caught up on my contacts and friends on facebook and tried to update and organize my portfolio something that I need to finish soon because my computer is 97 percent full.

        I also had some trouble with the state agency that pays my employees. One of them, Kristi, didn’t get paid last period due to a mistake made by the agency but they still didn’t want to make it right. Eric and I both called and sent emails for days until it was straightened out. She still received her pay a week late and missed two days of work because she wouldn’t take an advance from me. Why? I simply don’t know. I don’t think Kristi will ever be my friend as hard as I’ve tried I get the feeling she just doesn’t like me all that much. I’ve given up trying to get close to her and I feel bad about it but I suppose not everyone is going to like me, that’s just the way of the world.    

The Shit List The End

By now you have probably figured out for yourselves that my family is a little more than just a little dysfunctional.  But visiting with Mom gave me the assurance that the shit list lingers although is fading just like my mom’s once steel trap of a mind. It was sad to see her sitting there; looking so small and frail but trying so hard to be cheerful and upbeat. It’s a terrible business watching your own mother growing so old and it nearly brings me to tears just thinking about how lonesome and afraid she must feel at those moments she faces her own mortality.

        Well, here it is another Friday night just slipping away, another week of summer gone and 7 less days of life to be lived. Do I feel like I contributed to the lives of anyone this week, done anything I am proud of, had any fun or tender moments or even thanked God once for my blessings? Maybe I did some of those things but I want, no, I NEED to live my life to the fullest and I’ll never have that with Eric. But now that he is sick, mostly from taking care of me, I really feel like I’m in his debt. Moreover, we’re fighting another monster now. Since Eric’s been in such constant excruciating pain, his neurologist has him on very strong opiates and he’s become completely, fully, devastatingly addicted to them and has all the problems that come with that including no sex drive. So now I know.

        Fear not though friends, the shit list lives on in my niece’s family and her two teenage boys and my sister Mary and her son Shane and little as like to admit it my young man Bill. Who by the way is back out on mean streets after breaking into our house while we were in Pittsburgh and stealing A LOT of pills from Eric  and me. Have a good weekend, be safe, love each other without conditions and PLEASE don’t follow the above mentioned form of discipline “the shit list”.

                                                                     

The Shit List Part 3

After Jimmy was released and set up in his own apartment ironically, because most of his violent behavior was directed toward her, in the same complex where my mother lived, and Cathy quit running away from home and hitchhiking across the country to California and being discharged from the army due to health issues with a whopping alcohol problem the younger generation fought for top spot on the list. By the younger generation I am referring to my younger sister, my nephew and niece and myself.

Since my oldest half sister is old enough to be my mother (she’s 18 years older) her son Jimmy is 1 year younger than me, the same age as my younger sister Mary, and my niece Kimmy is 4 years younger than me. That was too much of a gap when we were all in school but as soon Kim hit the big 2 – 1 which is the legal drinking age where I come from, we became equals and could get into ALL kinds of mischief. My niece and nephew were so close growing up we were more like brothers and sisters. And when I got married Bill and Jimmy became best buds so the three of us became dangerous. After divorcing my husband, Kimmy and I shared a duplex with 4 college boys. We had a in ground swimming pool in the back we all shared. Fun times were had had by all I must confess. But I found myself atop the shit list more times then I wished to be. More often than not, it was a joint effort between Cathy and me. Of course, mother would blame me because her poor daughter Cathy was sick and didn’t know any better.

to be continued      

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Happy Summer to All

I wanted to wish you all a happy, healthy summer and hope everyone enjoys a long vacation from work to be with friends and loved ones. Here are some pictures of the wildlife around my backyard, enjoy!
P.S. If anyone can tell me what kind of butterflies these are please leave me a comment with the answers and I'll post it. I will no longer be posting comments from anonymous readers especially since it was made clear to me that the anonymous poster "doesn't usually write to these things" so I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this person also doesn't follow my blog. so how could they get all the information to speculate about about such personal issues in my life?
P.P.S. If this person is as brave, intelligent, concerned and only wishing to save me heartache; I'm afraid he or she is a tiny bit late and wee tad short on cash now to help me with problems long since past. However, I could use all the friends that truly care about my well-being so why doesn't mystery commenter email me and we can talk then he or she can impart his or her wisdom one on one and really help me?

The Shit List Part 2

When you are small and young say preteen, you didn’t want to be on the shit list because my mother was not much of a paddler when it came to discipline. She didn’t need to be. She always said she could cut someone to the quick using just a word and she proved it when we did or said something she disagreed with or found to be in bad taste. She would fill us with so much shame and we would then feel so guilt ridden and repentant that we never wanted to displease her again. Unless we really did something out of line or dangerous we really didn’t have too much to worry about since my older half brother Jimmy and older half sister Cathy usually were neck and neck in the race to see who could upset her the most.

As my younger sister Mary and I got into our teens it seemed the only way to get any real attention in the family was to be on the shit list. So as you can see we got some real mixed signals growing up. We all married alcoholic men just like our fathers’ except Cathy who never married anyone but a bottle of booze. Unfortunately, my favorite sister died of heart failure as a direct result of her alcoholism. She only lived 45 years on this planet which was not enough. And my brother never married because drugs ruined his mind and he was diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic at age 27 when he was so violent we had to have him removed from the house by the police and admitted to Torrance State Hospital for the mentally insane.

(To be continued)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                              

The Shit List Part 1

      Well, it is Friday night and if I was able bodied Eric and I would be going out someplace to listen to music or shoot pool or something other than sitting here looking at the same four walls I’ve looked at for the last 6 ½ years. Hopefully we will have a good weekend and be kind, thoughtful and affectionate to one another. I am definitely going to try to be all the things Eric wants me to be so perhaps he’ll have a softer attitude with me. I wish so much we could spend at least a little time holding each other, kissing or even just lying side by side and sleeping; spooning like we used to, completely naked and so close to each other it was as if our two bodies became one. I miss sleeping with Eric more than I do walking and he doesn’t want to sleep with me. When I mention buying a bigger adjustable bed that we both could sleep in he says it would never work because my employees would wake him when they wake me (valid point) and he is extremely modest and would feel embarrassed having my attendants rousing us from our marital bed. There must be a way and I will find it.   

      You are probably quite tired of hearing about this by now so will go on to a different subject. My AWOL son Bill finally called and told me how much he loved and missed me, shocked me with the gem that he’s moving 100 miles north of here with his drunkard of a father then asked to speak to Eric. Once on the tele with Eric he asked him if he had any Xanax to trade for pot. Eric immediately told him NO and that’s the last we heard from Billy. It’s just the second time he ripped my heart out, spit on it, stomped on it and dropped kicked it across a gravel alley. Hey, but what are children for, right?

      But then again my mom’s coming for a visit on Sunday and our priest is bringing her. This one simply leaves me speechless it’s so distasteful to me. I’ve lost all respect and love for my priest and my church by the way not one parishioner came forward to help Eric and me when I was first injured and I really thought the Orthodox Church was different and special…I’ve never been back though her doors. As for my priest, I truly loved him. He taught me and counseled me in so many life situations prior to and after my accident but I certainly don’t have the same respect and admiration I once had for Father John.

My mother always leaves me more distraught after talking to her. I only spoke to her on the phone for 30 seconds before she started talking about her getting old and dying soon. How she drove a car for 50 years and now she couldn’t drive because she was too old and couldn’t stand competing with other drivers for their side of the middle of the road and on and on…I tried to talk to her, “Mom, what’s wrong? You sound down in the dumps.” Then she would just say what she always says, that she’s just a little depressed because she’s getting so old and I can certainly sympathize with her because I feel like I’m getting old and I’m MUCH younger than my 83 year old mother. The simple fact is that my mother is a terrible gossip and I want no part in it.

 Every member of my family has been back stabbed by the other trying to win my mother’s favor for as long as I can remember. It seemed as though someone had mom’s favor and one was on the shit list all through my childhood. For awhile it wasn’t hard to stay in mom’s good graces because my brother sat firmly a top the bad list at least until he was released from jail. Let me take a moment to explain why one didn’t want to be on mom’s list AND a few reasons why one would.

(To be continued)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Lonliness

      I haven’t been made love to in a year now and I’m getting to the point of looking for free online dating services. He’s already caught me twice and it seems as though it upsets him yet it hasn’t changed the fact that he doesn’t touch me.  and I would like to let my able bodied readers in on a little secret; just because we are paralyzed doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve lost all sensation,  desire, or passion in our lives. And certainly the very fact that we are human means we have an innate need for another’s touch. You can’t just sleep beside someone like a pair of spoons for eleven years and then be banished to a hospital bed to sleep alone in a room for the rest of your days and be a happy and fulfilled person. Not when your other spoon is still living with you and taking care of you when your attendants go home. That’s why I used $5.000 dollars in state money to purchase a full sized craftmatic adjustable bed. Not as a luxury item but as a marriage bed. Eric has never shared that bed with me for a night. He would rather sleep on ¾ size love seat and he is a large man. He must really find me repulsive.

       He never wants to talk about it, he’s tired of hearing me whine about it yet it was perfectly acceptable for him to have had the affairs with the three other women (that I know about). Something he never would have done when I was able bodied. I can’t take it anymore, if I knew someone, I WOULD have an affair,  there’s just this tiny little matter called my conscious to deal with and the plain and simple truth that I am and probably always will be in love with the man I’ve lived with now for seventeen years, the man I long for, the man I want and the man I want to want me. Well, he doesn’t and hasn’t since I got hurt and what do you think that does to my self esteem? I can talk a good talk but can I walk that walk? I can tell you this friends, I’m VERY, very lonely…

       And yes, he stuck around to care for me and disregarded his own life, his freedom and his very health. For this I am grateful. But believe me he never lets me live it down. Every time he has pain in his legs or feet or back I caused it with my impatience, greed and selfishness. I dread Sundays because I have to be alone with him. A day that could very well be spent in the comfort one another’s arms is usually spent with him bemoaning his terrible life and how I ruined it while I lay in bed sometimes until 6:00pm, simply begging to get out. I dread the weekends and I used to look forward with hope that might snuggle or actually make love.

       I think he’s ashamed to be seen with me and that’s why we don’t go out. Summer is almost gone and thank God I got to get out twice as much as last year so far. I went out once so far this season. He’s just finished reading this and instead of talking about it calmly , he told me it’s because I smoke and use my computer at night that’s why there’s a wedge  between us. It’s always SOMETHING. What was it 6 months ago, 2 years ago, in 2008?

       I guess that’s my answer I’m going to stay lonely…man, am I alone.

Life Imitating Life

      Everyone has gotten a bad hair cut at one time or another in their lives. And yes, hair grows but the crappy cut ALWAYS seems to come just when your hair’s the longest its ever been and you go in to have ½ inch of split ends cut off and the brand new stylist gets scissor happy and takes off 3 inches (all uneven) so if you want it repaired you have to go shorter or grin and bear it and go around with it uneven until it grows out. Or instead of letting your attendant do your highlights like always and they always look great, you decide to spring for ‘’professional foils’’ since you’re already at the salon for a trim and your lovely long locks end up getting fried by the chemicals and a super hot flat iron from the 1970’s.

      I could have cried right there under my spock-like crooked bangs but I didn’t. I came home instead and let it ruin the rest of my day, being miserable to my caretakers and Eric. Then came day two, well I couldn’t stand looking at it anymore so I called the salon and demanded to speak to the manager. I told her my side of the story and she offered to meet with me today. So armed with four recent photos from my portfolio I went back to the salon and the manager and I had a long discussion about my haircut and foil highlights, she was very accommodating and started me out with a deep conditioning treatment which she gave me $30.00 worth to take home. She then gave me two options: she would cut and style my hair free of charge and refund the money to me for the botched foils or just refund all my money, send me home with the deep conditioner and be available for my next haircut. I was very skeptical of course, but she assured me she had the right cut for me that would do away with most of the damage while sparing the length of my hair. She brought out her hair style book and showed me a style I actually had tried to get the time before this mess and it looked as if the stylist had actually put a spaghetti bowl over my head and trim a layer of hair around it and she proudly called  it “long layers”.    

      However, after relaying this story to Angela (the manager) she again and again assured me she had 18 years of experience and could make my hair look EXACTLY like the model’s. Well, now it seemed I had a decision to make. I could suffer though the awkward growing out phase, using spray, ointment, and cream leave in conditioners and constantly messing with it just to make it look HALF decent or I could take a bigger risk and once again give up control and place it in another person’s hands which is exactly what I chose to do. To make a long story short, the haircut turned out nice, it removed most of the damaged hair and I got to keep most of my length. I received a refund on the highlights, was given $30.00 dollars in deep conditioning product, and Angela gave me her card with a coupon for my next haircut. Little does she know, I plan to grow my hair out yet again.

      Now, the reason I told you this was story was because it could be an analogy to another situation in life. Just when things in your life are finally the way you always wanted them and you only need to tie up a few loose threads. So thinking you’re acting responsibly you visit your psychiatrist, clergyman or therapist for a bit of advice, nothing major mind you, and not only does taking their advice make matters worse but it actually causes problems that didn’t exist before you met with him/her. So now you have a big problem where there wasn’t any before.

      Of course, you could wait and see if everything works itself out dealing with all that unnecessary anxiety, worry, and insecurity; fending off all little problems, attacks and disappointments with your well practiced and sincere wit, intelligence and sheer force of will. Or go back to where to you got the advice in the first place and demand some answers to your situation now made worse by the first council you received, an apology and an answer to escape this current situation. But you’ll probably just be told that “Hey, you asked me, remember?”

      But seriously, the haircut thing really DID happen. I’ll have pictures soon enough. Thanks for indulging me, friends.

Happy Reminders

        It’s funny, when I started this blog it was with the intention of helping the newly SCI victim regain their sense of self esteem, worth, image and confidence. To show them through my own experiences that they after their injury they are still beautiful, intelligent, athletic, sexy, artist, WHOLE individuals that whatever they were before they still possess all those qualities AND more. That NO dream is out reach if they are willing to try things a new way or perhaps a harder way, that we are NOT cripples, we are SUPERSTARS! And that we don’t just sit in wheelchairs, we ride in CHARIOTS!

        I’ve said these words a hundred times but forgot too many times to apply these principals to myself and my own life. Until recently when I had through networking this blog the pleasure of meeting two young ladies who are also quadriplegics, though injured much higher in the cervical vertebrae than I am. That means they have much less use of their muscles andmust use a ventilator to help them breath. Their injuries are similar to Christopher Reeves. They are paralyzed from the neck down yet their dispositions are so positive and upbeat it was an absolute blessing having found their websites and making their acquaintances. Their names are Heather and Jenni and how they maintain so optimistic and lighthearted attitudes is an inspiration to me and should be to you.

        I feel like the newbie needing some encouragement instead of the seasoned veteran who took a trip through hell and lived to tell about it. These are the inexplicable coincidences that allow me to believe that Lori is NOT running the show. I hope my new friends are doing well and still feeling joyful. I would like them both to know they have helped rekindle my passion for helping the newly injured according to my mission statement. Thank you beautiful ladies and good night…

P.S. if you’re interested in reading Heather’s or Jenni’s blog, they are in pictured in my followers. Just click on their picture and their blog will be listed.  

                                                                           

Eric and Me Now and Forever

          I must use all my tools tonight to be a happy, well adjusted, partner in my relationship because I think if I can take my own advice Eric and I would have a happier healthier personal life. For some reason I’m pushing away Eric more and more. For instance, he used to give me a kiss every night before going to bed, he has stopped doing that and I really miss it. He tells me it’s because I want my computer and a cigarette. It’s got to go deeper than that. My laptop is already in the room and I can smoke my own cigarette and always tell him when I put it out so he doesn’t have to worry about me burning something.

          He’s back to not getting enough rest because he’s trying to do too much too late in the day. We have more money and he promised to let me take over the finances for him, like banking, bill paying, and keeping up on all the credit lines. We also had a plan to let me take over grocery shopping, going to walmart, and the pharmacy with him and do the shopping just like I used too.  He was in such high spirits last week and this week he’s grumpy and depressed. It seems as though he’ll talk and joke and laugh with anyone but me. I can’t help but feel hurt about that. I just don’t know what it is about me he abhors so much.

          I think I get so frustrated with other areas of my life that I inadvertently let it spill over into my relationship which I MUST stop doing. For instance, my hair is the longest it’s ever been. However, I needed a haircut because the ends were damaged. Well, I came home with a horrible cut, damaged hair due to highlights, and part of it broken off from poor styling. I let that haircut upset me even into today! Thursday I meet with the manager to see what can be done to satisfy me. Unless they have found a way to magically regrow hair I will NOT be satisfied.  And unless Eric steps up and acts likes a man and makes love to me that’s it, I’m looking elsewhere. This may sound a little harsh to some of you, but if you’ve read my whole story you I’m certain you’d understand,