Childhood Trauma Part 2

         If you don’t allow yourself to get angry at the person or persons to whom you feel are responsible for keeping you safe and free from fear as a child, you cannot put the past behind you and develop properly into adulthood. You will have trouble with relationships and with making and maintaining friendships. You’ll find yourself in a relationship but it will be an unhealthy one. And you’ll probably be in it for years getting sicker and sicker and losing more of your self esteem every day.              

       Be certain to write down ALL your feelings about that time in your life. Another big feeling that lingers on is fear. Many adults who experienced childhood trauma suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. If you don’t what a panic attack is it feels as if your heart is pounding out of your chest, you’re shaking all over, you start to hyperventilate and every little thing seems overwhelming. Sometimes they last for minutes and other times for hours. This is no way to live.

(to be continued)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Childhood Trauma Part 1

        Some, if not most, people have had to deal with some type of trauma while growing up. Whether it is neglect, psychological, physical or sexual abuse, or some children have to deal with the constant worry of sick or handicapped parents. Sometimes children have to learn live with the death of a parent or sibling. This kind of early trauma can last well into adulthood if not dealt with and overcome and can cause serious psychological problems and problems interacting with others.

        Overcoming early trauma is something best left to professionals but what do you do if have no insurance for counseling and psychiatrists?  There are steps you can take on your own and with a trusted friend that will be quite beneficial. These simple steps will be some of the hardest work you’ll ever do for yourself. And even if you see a psychiatrist or counselor, these things will still help you.

        The first thing you can do is buy yourself is buy a small notebook and start writing. Write about every painful thing that happened when you were a child and write how it makes you feel as an adult. Be certain to list your feelings no matter how guilty they make you feel. The number one feeling you will have trouble expressing is the one most important one you need to let out; ANGER. Now you can call it hurt, or can call it disappointment but it all adds up to same basic emotion; being down right mad.

(to be continued)

Hate Comment

       It seems I got lectured pretty badly from a regular reader and commenter for having Bruce as a friend. And while it’s true that I talked about meeting up with him, that reality never came to pass and probably never would  have because of one simple fact. I’m in love with Eric, no matter how long it’s been since he’s made love to me. No matter how many times he’s broken my heart like a china tea cup with his affairs and indiscretions. No matter how many times he’s hit me out of anger or laid my soul to waste with his razor sharp tongue. Even if I did make arrangements to meet someone in secrecy and he found out, I’d be homeless. So I’m trapped by more than just love my irate friend. I have lost all control of my life the day I broke my neck and I think part of Eric enjoys having all the control since before my injury I was so out of control with my life style of drug abuse and alcoholism.

       So the next time you go off on tangent and start lecturing a person about their life choices, it might be good idea to have ALL the facts about the people and situations involved before putting somebody down and judging them as if you were the Supreme Court. So here are the facts.

       In seven years, Eric has made love to me exactly five times but cheated on me THAT I KNOW OF six times, two of which were long standing affairs. What he and Nicole did to me could be called criminal and when he flew to Canada to be with Devie, he was gone for nine days. I had nothing to say about it. He did what he wanted and if I wanted to live here I lived with it.

(To be continued)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

AADP Part 2

When we were first introduced, I couldn’t understand a word a said and relied upon his attendant JoAnne to interpret everything for me. As it turned out, Don wanted me to speak at the ADA Anniversary rally being held in front of the court house in town square Greensburg, PA. I had never given a public speech and was thrilled at the idea.

            So in July of 2009, on a rainy afternoon my speech notes on my lap under a rain soaked plastic tarp I was given in haste to try and keep me dry, I gave a speech. One that was from the heart not from my unreadable notes. I talked about what the ADA was, why it was enacted and how it was still more relevant today…  how it kept a whole population of us disabled people in the work force and went on to add a personal story:

            While I laid in the hospital bed, with a ventilator deep in my windpipe, half a dozen bags of medicine going into an IV AND an ng tube in my nose feeding me, I awoke to fuzzy, hazy kind of consciousness. I could hear my fiancée, Eric talking with the surgeons that had just fused my neck. They explained to him why they had to do the surgery and how they tried rather unsuccessfully to put my neck in traction. My vertebrae was too badly damaged and diseased with arthritis to hold together during traction, it just simply crumbled every time they attempted it. So they borrowed a piece of bone from my hip and fused my neck. They told him the injury to my spinal cord was very severe and that I would never walk again, use my own hands or go to bathroom by myself. Since my own family was unable or unwilling to help, the burden would fall squarely on his shoulders. The doctors told Eric there would be no shame on him if he put me in a nursing home. Eric was livid at te idea and told them both he’d rather die than see me in a home. He also told my family what he thought of them. Then he reached in a white bag he had been concealing and pulled out a large red teddy bear. He then placed it gently under my arm and bent down to talk to me. I had only seen Eric cry one time in 11 years, that was when his Gram died, but he was crying now. He told me not worry about a thing, we would start a new life and it would be fine. I was overwhelmed with love, regret, guilt, hope, depression, shock, happiness, sadness and confusion. I knew Eric was giving his life up for me.

            I got a standing ovation for the speech. I suppose I pulled a few heart strings but the adoration was what just self esteem needed. And only two months later Don asked if I wanted to model adaptive clothing for disabled women in a fashion show being put on by the Three Rivers Centers for Independent Living in Pittsburgh, PA. I couldn’t have been more excited! When I came down that catwalk, every eye on me, smiles everywhere and camera flashes going off like Christmas lights I didn’t feel as if I was in a wheelchair. I felt like I was floating down atop a winged creature!

After that night I knew I had to share my story and metamorphosis. So now I write a blog dedicated solely to helping the newly injured regain their sense of self esteem, worth, image and confidence. To let them know that are still beautiful, sexy, athletic, artistic, intelligent, WHOLE individuals the same things they were and more before their injury or illness. That they can achieve ANY dream even if they have to do things a little differently. That they are not just handicapped, they are SUPERSTARS! And they don’t just sit in wheelchair, they ride in a CHARIOT!

This is what I'm sending the AAPD

            I was driving to the emergency medical clinic still battling a case of pneumonia the Saturday before Easter. It had rained a cold drizzle the night before and washed some of the dead winter leaves into the road making slick spots I was unaware of as drove down the familiar stretch of two lane highway. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a coughing fit and at that very moment hit one of those slippery patches losing control of my car and going into a terrible tailspin. I couldn’t regain control and the car drove backward up a small embankment and into someone’s yard where the back smashed violently into a relatively small tree. I was throw from the driver’s seat into and up against the back seat head first. As my chin was forced into my chest, my already damaged neck was crushed and my spinal cord was severed. Of course I didn’t know the extent of my injuries at the time, but I did know I paralyzed.

             I laid shivering in cold March air waiting for what seemed liked hours but in reality couldn’t have been longer than a several minutes for help to arrive. I tried to find my coat and found to my horror that I couldn’t move my arms. I was having trouble seeing; everything looked dark and misty. I didn’t know it at time but I had severely injured my left eye and was at this moment quite blind in it. I tried to move my legs. Fear like I had I never known rose in my throat. I couldn’t move anything; I was completely paralyzed. I remember thinking that I must have used up all my chances with God and now He was done with me. I actually felt the ever present, always comforting presence of my guardian angel fleeing from my side. I felt truly alone in the universe and wondered why God would punish me so severely and it was at that moment that my anger toward Him began; why didn’t he just let me die?

            After 4 ½ years of dreading waking up every morning, I finally began to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  The state had provided me with services such as money to pay attendants and caregivers. One of those services is called “peer counseling”. This is when a fellow disabled person is sent to you to take you out in the world and help you acclimate to being in public again, as a person with a disability. My peer counselor was an older man with cerebral palsy.

(to be continued)

Resolution Part 2

         Don’t get suckered into these fad diets that are plastered on every magazine and website you encounter. There are really only a few rules to follow and you will not only lose weight but keep it off indefinitely.

         As I mentioned before DON’T eat sugar. Whether it’s in a delicious dessert or your drink.

         DON’T drink alcohol, it’s just another form of sugar and it poisons your body and lowers your metabolism. Plus you are more likely to overeat if you are drinking.

         Give up soda pop. Yes, including diet, diet pop doesn’t digest in your system it simply ferments, leading to gas and bloating.

         Put down the salt shaker. Most food has enough salt in it already and too much will make you retain excess water weight.

         Exercise, exercise, exercise! What ever you have movement of, MOVE! What is paralyzed use an electric stimulator such as a TENS or NMES machine. The electrical stimulator will not only firm your paralyzed muscles, but will actually help them “remember” what it is they are for.

         DO your nightly meditation exercises nightly. If you don’t remember how to do this, check my previous posts.

Resolution Part 1

         I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012 and they stick to their New Year’s resolutions until their goals are reached. Mine is to lose this belly this acquired over the holidays. Not an easy task for a quadriplegic who can’t do stomach exercises or go walking for aerobic exercise. But not impossible either. And I will tell you all my secrets to rid yourselves of that dreaded and loathed “quad belly”.

         First and foremost, stop eating the goodies. The time for pies, cookies, cake and ice cream has long since passed and now you too must pass on desert unless it’s a fruit cup or yogurt or protein bar. I realize this takes will power I have to use it myself and it’s not easy. But the rewards greatly outweigh whatever you are giving up. Besides, if start an exercise routine then you can eat a sweet treat once in a while, your bowels will move better and your mind will benefit from the endorphins released while exercising. Another easy way to lose weight is simply drink water instead of pop or other sugary drinks including alcohol. Drink water all day, it will cleanse your body’s organs, flush out toxins and fat, and actually help you get rid of excess water weight.

         Yes, I’m guilty of overindulging during the holidays, but I do these things EVERYDAY. So imagine how much more than 7 or 8 lbs I could have packed on. My only nemesis is Eric, who is constantly buying me treats to eat. I still haven’t figured out why he so wants to sabotage my figure.

(to be continued)

Making Desicions and Overcoming Procrastination The End

         Making decisions is something we do all day everyday but sometimes an important choice come along and stops us in our tracks. For some inexplicable reason we get stuck and can’t make up our minds and we get all panicky, nervous, indecisive and afraid.  No matter what we do, we can’t summon the strength or determination to make that all important decision.

         The first question we must ask ourselves is what is it that we are afraid of? Is it the possible outcome of the decision? This is usually the culprit and we fear it because we fear the change it may bring. Many of us are afraid of change even if the outcome is better than the way things are now. But mostly our fear stems from dreading the unknown; even if our present circumstances are bad.

         Sooner or later we are going to have to face our fear and take risks in life. That is how the normal young adult learns and grows in self confidence. It doesn’t matter how old we are now, it’s never too late to make a positive change or adjustment in way of thinking, acting and reacting to life’s many changes and the many life altering decisions we will inevitably face. Remember what I tried to convey to you about positive thinking. Go back in the archives and read it again and practice the principles that worked so well for me. In the mean time, make the most important decision first and give yourself some credit for taking such a huge step. Or if this is just too overwhelming for you, make a series of smaller ones and with each triumph watch your confidence grow. Soon you will be ready to tackle the bigger decisions. But for goodness sake, don’t procrastinate. The longer you put it off the more bad things will happen in meantime and soon you will be buried in crap and back to square one.

         Whatever you do to finally get these major decisions made, the rewards you get will greatly outweigh any change that may or may not take place in your life. And any change that happens is probably for the best anyway and you will see the rewards not only to self esteem, worth, image and confidence, but in ways you cannot now even dream of or fathom.

Your friend,

Lori Ann           

                                                                                                                                              

Letting Go

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hand.
To “let go” is not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to deny but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my own desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to critize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for today.
TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND LOVE MORE
These are the instructions on how to let go. Perhaps it is letting go of a rebellious child or a burden of sorrow, losing a loved one or learning to live with heartache which we just cannot let go of. Read this over. Study it…..and you will find letting go of your load will allow your spirit to soar.
For me one of the most gentle and beautiful reminders of letting go is the butterfly…hold it too tight and we risk damaging their delicate wings or fatally crushing them

Author Unknown

Making Desicions and Overcoming Procrastination P ART 3

       After you do accomplish catching up on your important paperwork, phone calls and correspondence, you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. The boost to your self esteem and confidence is another benefit. So make the decision to get your affairs in order and with whatever kind of help you need to start with one thing and keep on going until everything is done. It may seem like an insurmountable task right now but if you sort everything out into smaller piles it will be easier to tackle. Remember this phrase; “first things first, one thing at a time” and you’ll do fine. Use it as your mantra if you have to, whatever it takes to just get started. That is the hardest part of overcoming procrastination.

       Next time we’ll talk about making decisions. Sometimes this can be a daunting task as well. Especially if you fear change for sometimes a decision involves change. But I’ll be here to help you work through it and give you the advice I’ve learned from my own life experiences.

(to be continued)

                                                             

Merry Christmas and More ...

Merry Christmas and Happy and Successful Holidays To All…

May you have health, wealth, stature and fame,

Happiness, hope, a legacy, a name.

But my greatest wish for you from up above,

Is all your dreams come true and unconditional LOVE!!!

                                                                    

Making Desicions and Overcoming Procrastination P ART 2

       Sometimes making decisions can be so difficult that we keep putting it off indefinitely. And this can be devastating in some incidences, especially if you have an important decision to make. Sometimes just the thought of having to make up one’s mind is so stressful; that you may find yourself procrastinating until something bad or unforeseen happens. This may only reinforce your fear of decision making in the future thus creating a viscous cycle of not resolving problems and procrastinating for solutions.

       There is probably enough your mind that you really don’t need to add to another problem to your life. Then there are those of who are, for whatever reason, allergic to making phone calls. Sometimes an email just won’t do and you MUST speak to someone on the phone. But you are frozen with a fear you can’t put your finger on. You must find the strength deep within yourself to take care of these matters. Practice making calls with a friend present for moral support. Start small and work your way up to the more challenging tasks.

(to be continued)                                                     

Making Desicions and Overcoming Procrastination P ART 1

Alright, that idea didn’t work out. It’s hard to believe that not one follower has a mind of his/her own to ask me a question. But if I must lead you all like sheep then so be it. My next topic will be about making decisions and overcoming procrastination.

        My best friend and attendant and facing one the most difficult decisions we face in our lives, whether or not to end a long term relationship she finally realizes is too unhealthy to be a part of. She told me what happened this morning with so much anguish on her face my heart went out to her. Her story brought back painful memories of my own. By the time she was finished with her story, I had relived my dark, agonizing experience and told Michelle if anyone could understand it would be me. She solemnly agreed.

To be continued

Proposel

      I feel as though I have no more advice to give you after everything I’ve written about. So, I’ve been thinking why don’t you shoot me some questions in the form of comments and I’ll answer them in the order I receive them?

      This way I won’t feel useless and obligated to write about something useless or just to hear myself vent and you will be getting some useful information again. I will feel better knowing that I am fulfilling my mission again. So how ‘bout it folks?

Potraits of Eve

         I’d like to introduce you to a book a found on modelmayhem that depicts strong women overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds. It’s called “Portraits of Eve Women of Color Share Their Body/Soul Conversations” photographs by Herb Way. It’s really a lovely a book and a sample can be viewed at www. portraits—of-eve.com . The author wanted to capture each woman in her naturally nude state, artfully done, without the material trappings of clothing or jewelry. Each woman tells her own story in her own words and the photos may be nude but they are beautiful, non-erotic, artistic representations of each woman as she is naturally; without shame or pride, guilt or conceit. I bought a copy of the e-book and I highly recommend the hard cover copy as well.

                                                                     

                                                                      

                                                                                   

model mayhem 2

         Have you ever posted a thread on a forum on website you are a member of? Well, I’ve done that on model mayhem and the thread has been going since November 19^th. It’s so much fun to get so many responses from people and get to look to at so many portfolios and have that many chances to find gems of inspiration, diamonds in the rough to get ideas from and gold medal examples of great makeup ideas. Plus, there’s the fringe benefit of getting those comments on my pictures and even a list or two and last but certainly not least new friends, acquaintances and possible people to work with.

         Yes, I’ve been hanging out on model mayhem quite a bit; every time I turn my computer on I go there first. It seems I’ve become addicted to the website and to the dream of a becoming a model. There are other things I need to do. Try not to get yourself hooked on one site unless it’s something healthy. If you want to check out my portfolio, go to www.modelmayhem.com/lamb1st   

                                                                             

Kristi, Me, Eric and Lori

I’m so bored lately I’m about to go out of my mind. It’s the same old routine day in and day out. I haven’t left my room for days. All I do is get on the computer and never get off unless I’m sleeping. I sincerely apologize for not posting but I think I’m suffering from some seasonal depression.

I think I’m gaining weight which upsets me greatly. I’m still having trouble with my belly blowing up and not going back down. It’s driving me mad. I have every symptom of an under active thyroid but I don’t know which way to go with my medicine. I tried increasing the dose and the problems got worse so I guess I’ll try reducing the medication. I wish something would work.

Eric and I fight all the time. I just can’t seem to make him happy. Everything I do pisses him off. I wish we could go back in time and I could change everything that’s happened in the last seven years. Actually, I’d have to go back 10 years to make it alright. But it’s fruitless to think like that and I know that I can only go forward never back.

I need to have a serious talk with Kristi, one of my attendants. I interviewed a new person for her position due to her lack of reliability and work ethic. Even though she’s been with me for well over a year, I feel like as though I can’t count on her, especially in the winter when she calls off if there is the slightest chance of snow. The new woman I interviewed seemed capable, reliable and willing to work. I need someone I can count on but I’m not looking forward to talking to Kristi about giving her notice. That’s why I’ve procrastinated all week and I MUST call her on Thursday so I can let the new employee know if she’s starting this week or next or not for two weeks. I don’t relish this phone call and wish we could have this talk face to face.

Well, that’s it for me for tonight. I’m falling asleep in my wheelchair and still have other things to do, so goodnight friends and sleep well.  

                                                                                         

Bruce 2

        Eric is still the king of mixed signals. He could be yelling at me one moment and the next he will be texting me on the computer from his ipod from another room in the house just to see if I’m okay. Bruce still wants to meet me sometime in mid to late January of next year. I’d really love to meet him but I’m scared. I’d have to take someone with me and it would have to be Michelle. The logistics behind the whole event are staggering. I’m going to have to talk to Bruce about it. Maybe he has some ideas. I don’t know how he could since he really has no experience with me or any quadriplegic.

        I suppose if I’m really going to do this, I need to a LOT more planning and with Bruce’s involvement. We have a lot more details to discuss. After all, we’re not a couple of teenagers running away from home even though that is what it feels like.

(to be continued)

                                                                       

Bruce

        I’ve been networking a lot on model mayhem and I’ve met a lot of people and made some special friends. I’d like to talk about one in particular. One who I’ve become so close to it frightens me. One who told me he loves me and wants to meet me…soon. We have talked to each other in depth and no, he is not a devo. He is a lonesome older gentleman, recently out of a codependent relationship.

        I really like Bruce, I can’t say that I love him because my heart belongs to Eric and probably always will.    It’s amazing to me that still love Eric so deeply after all the evil things he has done to me but for whatever reason I still love him deeply, truly, madly.

        And I believe I’ve been nothing but upfront with Bruce, but if Eric knew some of the things I’ve said to Bruce, he’d go insane with a jealous rage.  Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing…am I leading Bruce on a path that has no destination just to make myself feel wanted or do I really care for this man enough to go through with an affair? I feel like a little kid who is orphaned and has no one to turn to for advice, making adult decisions on my own.

(to be continued)

The Artist In Me Part 2

I was talking to my good friend Bruce and asked him to give me a mission statement about his idea and this is what he wrote, ‘’ I want to allow disabled artists and photographers to be able to have a way of expressing themselves   without any software or hardware getting in the way of their creative capabilities.  I want the software and hardware they are accessing to be doing all the hard work so that they don't have to!  If a photographer wants to be able to  shoot a picture, edit the picture, and then display the picture, right from their wheelchair they should be able to easily do that without any specialized equipment that has to be set up or learned.”

      He tells me he can get a grant to make it to this a reality as well. When I first learned that I had lost use of my hands it was almost a bigger shock than losing my ability to walk. The thought of never drawing, taking another photograph or making a brush stroke was almost too much to bear. But I plan on helping Bruce in way possible and using my Saturdays exclusively for art or writing, NO computer. I believe I will become more fulfilled as a human. It will take a lot of work but will be worth it in the long run. I will certainly keep you, my friends up to date on my progress and Bruce’s.