Monday, September 5, 2011
Since he’s been in so much pain he’s been quite hard to live with.. I’ve been desperately trying to break back into modeling, joining a couple of websites to network with photographers and others in the industry. I even spoke to Madonna, my friend I did the fashion show for back in 2009. She told me there’s a big one coming up in May in Virginia Beach I’d like to be a part of. I get the feeling she’s blackmailing me however, to switch my catheter supplies to her friend’s company because she gets a kickback. But I’m going to check into it and if it’s legitimate and they accept my insurance I will switch and receive my supplies from her. Eric doesn’t want me to change companies but it’s ultimately MY decision.
And no, we haven’t made love it’s been 18 months and I’m starved for physical affection and release. The thought of an affair has crossed my mind more than once but my body image is very poor. I have so many scars from burns it’s literally disgusting not to mention my trach , feeding tube scars and stretch mark scars. If I knew where to go and had the money I’d get a tattoo on my leg to cover the worst of the scars. But none of these physical marks comes close to the emotional scars and these are the ones we have to learn to put to rest. There will be those days too, when things just aren’t going our way and the people in our lives are treating us poorly because they’re in a bad mood or things aren’t going THEIR way when these scars come back to haunt us. There’s always going to be those days when those scars resurface. No matter how well we do letting go of resentments these things never fully go away or just magically disappear. We just must learn to come to terms with our demons. There are tips and tricks to help keep these memories in perspective. We will discuss them next time. Eric is bitching and I must wrap it up for tonight.
(to be continued)