Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Shit List Part 1

      Well, it is Friday night and if I was able bodied Eric and I would be going out someplace to listen to music or shoot pool or something other than sitting here looking at the same four walls I’ve looked at for the last 6 ½ years. Hopefully we will have a good weekend and be kind, thoughtful and affectionate to one another. I am definitely going to try to be all the things Eric wants me to be so perhaps he’ll have a softer attitude with me. I wish so much we could spend at least a little time holding each other, kissing or even just lying side by side and sleeping; spooning like we used to, completely naked and so close to each other it was as if our two bodies became one. I miss sleeping with Eric more than I do walking and he doesn’t want to sleep with me. When I mention buying a bigger adjustable bed that we both could sleep in he says it would never work because my employees would wake him when they wake me (valid point) and he is extremely modest and would feel embarrassed having my attendants rousing us from our marital bed. There must be a way and I will find it.   
      You are probably quite tired of hearing about this by now so will go on to a different subject. My AWOL son Bill finally called and told me how much he loved and missed me, shocked me with the gem that he’s moving 100 miles north of here with his drunkard of a father then asked to speak to Eric. Once on the tele with Eric he asked him if he had any Xanax to trade for pot. Eric immediately told him NO and that’s the last we heard from Billy. It’s just the second time he ripped my heart out, spit on it, stomped on it and dropped kicked it across a gravel alley. Hey, but what are children for, right?
      But then again my mom’s coming for a visit on Sunday and our priest is bringing her. This one simply leaves me speechless it’s so distasteful to me. I’ve lost all respect and love for my priest and my church by the way not one parishioner came forward to help Eric and me when I was first injured and I really thought the Orthodox Church was different and special…I’ve never been back though her doors. As for my priest, I truly loved him. He taught me and counseled me in so many life situations prior to and after my accident but I certainly don’t have the same respect and admiration I once had for Father John.
My mother always leaves me more distraught after talking to her. I only spoke to her on the phone for 30 seconds before she started talking about her getting old and dying soon. How she drove a car for 50 years and now she couldn’t drive because she was too old and couldn’t stand competing with other drivers for their side of the middle of the road and on and on…I tried to talk to her, “Mom, what’s wrong? You sound down in the dumps.” Then she would just say what she always says, that she’s just a little depressed because she’s getting so old and I can certainly sympathize with her because I feel like I’m getting old and I’m MUCH younger than my 83 year old mother. The simple fact is that my mother is a terrible gossip and I want no part in it.
 Every member of my family has been back stabbed by the other trying to win my mother’s favor for as long as I can remember. It seemed as though someone had mom’s favor and one was on the shit list all through my childhood. For awhile it wasn’t hard to stay in mom’s good graces because my brother sat firmly a top the bad list at least until he was released from jail. Let me take a moment to explain why one didn’t want to be on mom’s list AND a few reasons why one would.
(To be continued)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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please feel free to be as open, honest, blunt, and real as think you need to when leaving your comment. any of you who can relate to any one of my issues or takes offense to something I've written I'd especially like to hear from. I'm sorry to say that any comments left anonymously will not be published whether positive or negative. however, i still appreciate the insight and value the opinion. Thanks, L.A.M.B.