Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I haven’t been made love to in a year now and I’m getting to the point of looking for free online dating services. He’s already caught me twice and it seems as though it upsets him yet it hasn’t changed the fact that he doesn’t touch me. and I would like to let my able bodied readers in on a little secret; just because we are paralyzed doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve lost all sensation, desire, or passion in our lives. And certainly the very fact that we are human means we have an innate need for another’s touch. You can’t just sleep beside someone like a pair of spoons for eleven years and then be banished to a hospital bed to sleep alone in a room for the rest of your days and be a happy and fulfilled person. Not when your other spoon is still living with you and taking care of you when your attendants go home. That’s why I used $5.000 dollars in state money to purchase a full sized craftmatic adjustable bed. Not as a luxury item but as a marriage bed. Eric has never shared that bed with me for a night. He would rather sleep on ¾ size love seat and he is a large man. He must really find me repulsive.
He never wants to talk about it, he’s tired of hearing me whine about it yet it was perfectly acceptable for him to have had the affairs with the three other women (that I know about). Something he never would have done when I was able bodied. I can’t take it anymore, if I knew someone, I WOULD have an affair, there’s just this tiny little matter called my conscious to deal with and the plain and simple truth that I am and probably always will be in love with the man I’ve lived with now for seventeen years, the man I long for, the man I want and the man I want to want me. Well, he doesn’t and hasn’t since I got hurt and what do you think that does to my self esteem? I can talk a good talk but can I walk that walk? I can tell you this friends, I’m VERY, very lonely…
And yes, he stuck around to care for me and disregarded his own life, his freedom and his very health. For this I am grateful. But believe me he never lets me live it down. Every time he has pain in his legs or feet or back I caused it with my impatience, greed and selfishness. I dread Sundays because I have to be alone with him. A day that could very well be spent in the comfort one another’s arms is usually spent with him bemoaning his terrible life and how I ruined it while I lay in bed sometimes until 6:00pm, simply begging to get out. I dread the weekends and I used to look forward with hope that might snuggle or actually make love.
I think he’s ashamed to be seen with me and that’s why we don’t go out. Summer is almost gone and thank God I got to get out twice as much as last year so far. I went out once so far this season. He’s just finished reading this and instead of talking about it calmly , he told me it’s because I smoke and use my computer at night that’s why there’s a wedge between us. It’s always SOMETHING. What was it 6 months ago, 2 years ago, in 2008?
I guess that’s my answer I’m going to stay lonely…man, am I alone.