Saturday, April 2, 2011
Yesterday was April 1st, a day traditionally for playing pranks and practically jokes on one another, a day made for laughter, surprise, and anticipation. Well, in THIS crazy household not one person remembered save for myself and I thought about it at exactly 9:03pm last evening right in the middle of my nightly routine and had not the time, nor the gumption to think up a ruse for everyone in the house before midnight. I let my mind wonder for just a little while and thought about my mom who absolutely NEVER forgot April Fool’s Day and ALWAYS got me and Mary, my younger sister, with one of her shenanigans.
The mood in the house is one fraught with so much tension, gloom, and worry it’s a practically unbearable place in which to live. Then comes one of those especially tender, proud or what I like to call “God moments” when someone will leave a comment on my blog telling me I made a difference in their lives or that I inspired them, then I feel like it worth getting out of bed that day. ‘Cause let me tell you kiddies I have days when waking up is so painful I’m upset with God for letting me live through the night. Other times I wish I could sleep forever trapped in a pleasant dream where I can walk and my hands can be used to caress my lover just the way he likes it and things are right again. I can move and dance, draw and paint, tip toe up behind my man and wrap my arms around him squeezing so tightly it takes his breath away. I’m so lonesome my soul aches and for whatever reasons he has Eric just doesn’t want to be with me. My own son tells if I want to save my sanity, I’ve got to find a way to deal with that reality and stop living in the past. Well, it was 6 years long years now since I drove my car off the road and broke my neck on March 26th and I still haven’t found a way.
Eric’s been touchy and unpredictable one minute he’s screaming at me and calling me horrible names, the next he’s planning a shopping trip together and giving me a tongue kiss proclaiming his love for me. It’s like living with a psychopath.
I’m worried about Billy who decided to manage his heroin addiction by going to the methadone clinic (again). He is also court ordered to go to intensive outpatient rehabilitation and mental health program. He says it helps and he really liked his counselor but then they went and changed everything on him. They changed the time he was to be there and leave and they changed his counselor. Bill has always been pretty resilient in these kinds of situations so I think he’ll do okay.
As for me, I didn’t turn off my computer until 6:30am this morning so I’m running on empty. Perhaps I’ll sleep tonight and to sleep is perhaps to dream.