Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much this month but with Billy here it’s been nothing short of a roller coaster ride that accidently got stuck on “Go”. Monday he finally headed off to detox, something he was supposed to do on Friday but decided to go have his Father buy him an Xbox instead. That started a fight of mega proportions between him and Eric. So Billy stormed out or Eric threw him out either way he got high all weekend with his P.O. and the State Police Officer who arrested him calling all the while. I didn’t think I could be more exhausted than I was on Friday but I feel like a wet dish rag tonight. If I slept two full hours last night I’m exaggerating.
BUT, please let me finally take this opportunity to let you all know that although I may have had more than my fair share of trials, setbacks and heartache since my injury, I never once gave up, I never once stopped working out, I never once quit taking my herbs, supplements and vitamins nor did I give up my daily physical therapy, meditation, or prayer. At the height of my modeling career a wise designer, who was a paraplegic, once told me to NEVER give up trying to move my hands, toes, legs no matter what the doctors told me. Now I can move my toes and feet, if only a little bit, my thumbs, and I can flex muscles in my thighs, my trunk, my buttocks and my lower back. I have actual conscious control over parts of body that are technically paralyzed!
Anyway, back to the story. After William raided Eric’s drawers and took so much of our meds, we realized that at least one of us would run out before our refills came due. Eric being the gallant man he is, besides the fact that he was giving Billy pain meds all along without telling me because Bill had him convinced that he would go into horrible withdrawal without them, Eric offered to share his with me until my script was filled. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the gesture for my anxiety alone would send me to the nuthouse but now Eric will run out! What good could possibly come from that? If only Eric had been upfront with me I could have told him he was being played like a violin. However, Eric thinks he knows best and doesn’t understand OR believe that addiction is real disease with symptoms, systems, behaviors, life changing effects just like any other. Plus, he simply no longer considers me a friend the way that he used to. It used to be me and Eric against the rest of the world. So many things have changed … it makes me sad. I miss Billy too just as much as I am angry with him and let me tell you something, I can’t remember EVER being more furious with my son … it makes me even sadder. But after what he did over the weekend instead of going into a court ordered detoxification center terrifies me. And this my friends makes me the saddest I can remember feeling for many moons.